Reflections on my time with Claire

I have been reflecting on my time with Claire for a couple weeks now and wanting to write it down so I can look back and remember. It's been hard to sit down and actually write because either I'm busy being with Claire or I am in denial that our time is coming to an end. Right now, however, she is sleeping and I only have 1.5 days left, so it's time. I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

To verbally express my love for Claire would be impossible. A few years ago I heard the quote, "Deciding to have a child is like deciding to forever have your heart walk outside of your body". Oh, how true it is. She is my heart. She's my #3. When Josh and I were dating we would often call each other our #2. God was our #1, and we were each other's #2. That helped us to keep God at the center of our lives and relationship. Now Claire is #3. Now that I write that, I am second-guessing myself. To me, she is more important than me. Anyways...I'm having a hard time following myself so I'm sure you're having an even harder time following me.. I'll get back on track.

I guess some people consider me a "career oriented" person. I have often been called "ambitious", "driven", "tenacious". Maybe for those reasons, several people asked me before my maternity leave and during my maternity leave if I missed work or if I was anxious to get back. My answer...? NO! I have loved every single minute of the last 12 weeks. It has been the most precious time in my life. Every morning has felt like Christmas morning-- full of anticipation, excitement, gratitude.

I feel like I have traveled on such a long journey in just 12 short weeks. I remember at the beginning, I was totally overwhelmed. Part of it was due to the hormones. (Side note. Your 'pregnancy' hormones peak just prior to delivery. Within 10 days they are completely removed from your body, so your body essentially crashes. Note to moms-to-be, it is completely normal to be emotional at the beginning and to not feel like yourself. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!). Part of it was because of the daunting responsibility of caring for a new little being that is wholly dependent on you. Claire was also farrrr from an 'easy' baby at first. When she was awake, she was doing one of two thing: 1) eating, 2) crying. She could be awake for maybe 10 minutes without crying. I remember telling Josh that I just wished she could be awake and content for a small amount of time. He wisely told me that she would be with time.

To be honest, when she was sleeping I was nervous for her to wake up. This only lasted a couple weeks. By the time she was 2-3 weeks old, I felt more comfortable and confident. Now she's like a completely different baby. She is hardly ever fussy and when she is, it's for a reason. She is either hungry, wet, dirty, bored, over-stimulated, tired, or has a tummy ache. I'm pretty good at figuring out what is wrong and fixing the situation. She is just such a happy baby. She is so fun to be with.

In the beginning I remember wondering how in the heck I was supposed to do anything other than care for Claire. The thought of making dinner was laughable. How was I supposed to have my hands free for a decent amount of time during Claire's fussiest time of the day? So I started off slowly. We were blessed to have our parents bring meals the first couple of weeks. Then we had a few nights of takeout. Then my first meal was lasagna. I made it in the afternoon while Claire was sleeping- ingenious! I just put it in the fridge and stuck it in the oven later in the day. Josh and I didn't get to actually eat together, because that would be asking too much. We got pretty used to eating in shifts.

A few short months ago Claire was in my belly and was just a dream come true. Now I know her.

I know her.

I know her smell. I know her facial expressions (and she has a hundred of them!). I know how she raises her eyebrows sometimes while she eats. I know how she streches when she wakes up and when she finishes eating. I know what makes her happy and what makes her sad. I know her personality. I have spent almost every waking minute with her for three entire months. She is part of me.

How am I supposed to be separated from her?

I don't want to be. I certainly don't. I just want to be with her. But I know it's not possible and I know she will be in good hands.

I just wish they were my hands.

Now the tears are flowing...

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Fond memories/things I will miss/things I loved:

• Cuddling with Claire
• Garage saling with Sara Domer and her young'uns on May 28th
• Garage saling with Josh while Annie babysat (it felt like we were on a fantastic date!) on May 29th.
• Walking around Cleary Lake or "The Pond" with Rachel and Kiera. Great conversation and exercise!
• Nursing Claire for the first time of the day in her rocking chair, with the morning light coming in (even with the blinds closed, I had to find ways to block the sun from her face).
• Watching Regis and Kelly
• Walking around "The Pond" with Sara, Lauren and Jake.
• Wednesday morning class with the new moms- Krista, Rachel, Shannon, Dagney, Melissa, Jody, and Ashley.
• Getting to know Claire
• Claire taking naps while laying on my chest- and me dozing off sometimes during them.
• Spending time with Sydney
• Target trips (like every other day!)
• Walking around Burnsville Center
• Spending the day at the Bluff Valley campsite with Jeff and Annie
• Walks around our neighborhood
• Playing with Claire on her "activity mat".
• Spending time with Josh on the days he took off
• Not having the "ugh, we go back to work tomorrow" feeling on Sunday evenings, and instead having the "I am so lucky, I am so happy, I am so grateful, I get to spend another entire week with my love, Claire!!" feeling (this is a BIG one!)
• Talking to my mom on the phone
• Spending time with Chris
• Grandpa's visit. Hanging out at mom's house with Grandpa, mom, and Chris (and Claire of course!)
• Going to Carbones for lunch with Chris, Grandpa, and Claire on June 22
• Giving Claire baths
• Reading Claire books
• Going to the zoo with Josh and Claire on our 5 year anniversary
• Going to bed at night knowing that I get to spend the next day with Claire (oh my, the tears are welling up and the lump is forming in my throat again!)
• Praying, praying, praying- prayers of gratitude and thankfulness and prayers for Claire's safety and protection
• Having the "old neighbors" (aka dear, dear, friends!!) over at mom's house to meet Claire.
• Going to mom's house and having lunch with her and/or just hanging out on her vacation days
• Pulling over into the nearest parking lot while Claire is screaming in the car to calm her down.
• Having Sarah over for visits
• Learning how to take care of Claire. Learning what she likes/dislikes. Knowing what will make her happy, what will make her sad, how to make her smile.
• Being in my house. I have never spent this much time in my house. It has felt really good.
• Watching Sydney lay in the sun and knowing how much happier she is to be out and about and not stuck in her kennel all darn day long.
• Not being stressed about work. Just truly enjoying every minute with Claire.
• Not being stressed about school and studying.
• Wearing Claire in the Baby Bjorn while making dinner and/or doing laundry
• Periodically watching Oprah
• Taking tons and tons of pictures of Claire
• Being able to share the pictures of Claire with friends and family on Facebook
• Just being with Claire. Plain and simple.

5 years

5 years of marriage

8 years of knowing my best friend

2 houses

1 dog

8 jobs

2 times living with Whitney's mom

1 million kisses

4 vehicles for Whitney

Countless vehicles for Josh

5 trips (not including Florida)

1 graduate school program

500,000 (approx) laughs

2 pregnancies

1 miscarriage

1 baby that is the light of our lives

2 surgeries

5 anniversary cards x2

A few tears

3,000 Craiglist purchases or sales

3 engaged siblings

4 retreats with our confirmation kids

1 year of teaching sunday school together

4 years of being confirmation mentors together

5 years of marriage.... today!!

I love you so much, honey. I am so blessed and honored to travel through life with you!!

Happy 2 Month Birthday!

Claire is 2 months old today! Wow! Happy Birthday, love!!

We had her 2 month doctor appt this morning. Josh came with and I'm really glad he did! Here are Claire's stats:

Weight: 9 lbs 5.5 oz 10-25%
Height: 21 inches 5-10%
Head: 14 3/4 inches 10-25%

She has grown 2 inches and over 4 lbs since her birth! The doctor said she's little but perfectly proportional.

She had one vaccine orally to start with. She did not like that and was already crying so it wasn't looking good for her shots. She had two shots in the left leg and then two in her right. She cried a cry that I had never heard before- especially when the nurse was inserting the needle. It was very high pitched. It made me sad :(. Fortunately it was over pretty quickly. I scooped her up and held her tight and gave her kisses. The pacifier helped calm her down too and she fell asleep in the car. She's sleeping right now. I foresee a lot of cuddle sessions today.

The many faces of Claire

7 Weeks

Claire turned 7 weeks yesterday.

Claire at 7 weeks:

• has slept through the night (6.5-7 hours) the last 5 nights in a row!! This is amazing! She's definitely doing this earlier than the norm. Maybe she'll be doing it very consistently by the time I go back to work.
• is better at "being alive". It's tough to transition from the womb to the world! In utero, she ate 24 hours a day, was "held" 24 hours a day, was always warm, could do whatever she wanted with her hands and didn't have to worry about mommy swaddling them at her side. It's not easy to enter the world and be content. But she's getting a lot better at it! She's in the "quiet alert" stage, as they call it, more often and for greater periods of time. She fusses less (I also attribute this to her reflux medication), and generally seems happier.
• smiles ALL THE TIME! She loves to smile. She smiles most often before, during, and after her diaper changes. She is a fan of her changing table that is inside the Pack n Play so this is where much of the smiling takes place. Last night Chris was holding her at my mom's house and she shared a few smiles with him, which made his day!
• eats every 2-3 (sometimes 4, if she's taking a long nap) hours during the day. It's hard to know how many ounces she's eating since I am breastfeeding but when she has a bottle she drinks 3-4 ounces.
• doesn't particularly care for the bottle. We need to remedy this before we go to Brainerd for the weekend and before I go back to work. We're going to give her a bottle every day or every other day so she becomes accustomed to it.
• doesn't hate her car seat as much. She used to have a difficult time during walks or car rides because she hated her car seat. She's getting a lot better though! We go for walks pretty much every day and she either sleeps or is awake and content (which sometimes requires the pacifier, but hey, she's making progress). I occasionally have to pull over while I am driving to climb in the backseat and comfort her because she's screaming her little head off but that is happening with less frequency.
• is very strong! You wouldn't think she is only 7 weeks old by the way she holds her neck!
• doesn't hate baths as much. She still cries here and there during baths but it's getting better for her.
• has a bad case of baby acne. This is normal. It spread to her chest so I called the nurse advisor line at the Pediatrician office and they said that is normal too. We need to keep it clean and dry. Once it heals, we can put Aquaphor lotion on it to moisturize the skin.
• is the love of our lives!!!!

First Mall of America visit!

Claire took her first trip to the Mall of America yesterday! She was a perfect little shopper. We fed her right before we left but I was prepared to feed her in a women's lounge if necessary (would be my first time in public). She was awake, alert, and content for much of the time. She also slept for awhile. Josh and I really enjoyed this family time. The MOA recently opened a Noodles and Company, which Josh loves, so we ate lunch there while Claire napped. The top picture is from her big day at the mall. Life couldn't get any better!

I also included a smiling picture for you viewing pleasure. She smiles so often! I love it.

My maternity leave is offically half over and I can't believe it. How does it go by so quickly?? Today is a gloomy, cold day so we're planning on staying in the house and cuddling. I love it when Claire takes a nap while laying on my chest and I can rest with her.

Christmas

I haven't posted in a couple weeks and so much can happen with a newborn in that amount of time!

Claire is doing so well. She almost seems like a different baby than she was a couple of weeks ago. I think the Zantac is helping her. She is not a huge fan, probably because it is peppermint flavored. Seriously- who makes baby medicine peppermint flavored??? You'd think they would be able to give it no flavor or even milk flavor. She seems a lot more comfortable than before. She doesn't scream for hours, her tummy isn't hard all of the time, and she doesn't arch her back when she eats as much.

She seems to change every day. I am glad I take so many pictures because she changes so quickly! She is definitely filling out her newborn clothes now. I put a 0-3 month sleeper on her last night and it's quite large. I know it is common for babies to have poop "blow-outs" where it goes up their back... Claire doesn't have those very often (only twice I think) but she has pee "blow-outs" all the time! Almost daily! I don't know how she manages to get so much pee up her back, but it causes me to do her laundry frequently! All of her newborn sleepers were in her laundry last night so that's why she had to wear the 0-3 month size. I think she'll be wearing a lot more 0-3 month clothes within the next two weeks.

She started smiling about a week and a half ago. It is the most beautiful sight!! Josh and I love to make her smile. She is developing her own little personality. She is a lot more content than she used to be. She is still not a big fan of her car seat but we go on walks almost daily because I want her to get used to it. She is focusing a lot on our faces and I feel like she is starting to get to know me.

Claire was a rockstar and slept through the night TWICE last week! On May 28th she slept 6 straight hours and on May 29th she slept 7 straight hours. Amazing! The following two nights were worse than normal so it didn't last of course but I thoroughly enjoyed it!

She is taking a bottle (of breastmilk) now so that gives me some more freedom. On Memorial Day Josh and I had our first date post-baby and Jeff and Annie babysat. We went to dinner (quickly) at Old Chicago. That same week Annie babysat for a couple hours so we could go to our neighborhood garage sales and my mom babysat for a few hours so we could go to Burnsville Center and Applebee's. Last weekend Josh had some one-on-one time with Claire while I had brunch with Amy, Sarah and Pam for Sarah's birthday. I love being able to get out once in awhile.

Claire makes me so happy. Every day with her feels like Christmas. She is the best gift I could ever receive. Every day I look forward to spending time with her, getting to know her more, and showering her with love and affection. I am loving every minute of my maternity leave. It breaks my heart to think about going back to work in 6 weeks. One thing that helps is knowing that she'll be in good, loving hands with Annie doing her childcare. It would be a lot harder to think about leaving her with strangers that don't love her like we love her. Oh, I almost shudder at the thought. I just want the best for her- in everything. I always want to keep her safe, protected, happy, healthy. I know that isn't reality but I am doing the best I can for now!

Okay- Claire will probably be waking up soon so I'm going to get some stuff done. Have a great day!