121 days

121 days until April 27th, my due date. I have a very strong feeling I am going to go early (this is not just the naive first time mom hope... I have a pretty decent reason) so I most likely have less than 121 days until Claire's birth!

With that said, I have a lot of stuff to get done... I am going to put this list on the right hand side of my blog so I can keep track and feel good about checking things off! I have been a painting maniac lately so I'm adding a couple rooms I painted in the last few weeks to make myself feel better about seeing things checked off. :)

• Paint guest bedroom- CHECK
• Paint downstairs bathroom- CHECK
• Decorate guest bedroom and downstairs bath
• Paint master bedroom- CHECK
• Paint nursery
• Decorate nursery
• Paint accent wall in living room because of the window explosion
• Print photos from the past 2 years that are on my laptop
• Organize kitchen desk and paperwork
• Take two grad classes
• Throw Sarah's bachelorette party at Lutsen
• Sarah and Erik's wedding!!
• Register for baby showers
• Make a plan for how my team will cover for me at work
• Two business trips to Indianapolis
• Childbirth, parenting, and breastfeedings classes at the hospital

I'm sure there's more I haven't thought of yet. I hope the next 17ish weeks go by really quickly!

Pregnancy Symptoms and Events

I want to remember all of the different events and symptoms throughout the pregnancy so I'm using the blog to keep track..

• I started feeling little flutters around 16 weeks. I started feeling light kicks around 18 weeks. I'm 21 weeks now and I have felt solid kicks for a couple weeks now. I LOVE them.
• I have felt great during second trimester. Nausea is gone. I'm not exhuasted.
• I get horrible leg and foot cramps. At my appt a couple weeks ago the doctor said that it is totally normal. Not every pregnant woman experiences it and they don't know what causes it, but if you experience cramps they will last throughout the entire pregnancy. I think I have scared the crap out of Josh on a few occasions by jumping out of bed during the middle of the night and hobbling around the room muttering, "ow! Ow! OWW!".
• We love the little baby incredibly much. We both think about her all the time. Last Saturday I got up at 6AM because I couldn't sleep. I walked into the bedroom a couple hours later and saw Josh just laying there and staring at the ceiling. I asked him what he was thinking about and he said, "our baby...". Awww, melted my heart!
• I periodically experience lightheadedness and feel faint. It happens after walking or after I am standing for awhile. It's a terrible feeling. Once I lay or sit down for a few minutes, it goes away. The doctor said this too is totally normal because you have 40% more blood in your body and your blood pressure is lower. The worst incident happened yesterday. I was standing outside Starbucks in the skyway, waiting for a woman to show up for a meeting. The lightheadedness came over me and I felt like I was going to faint. For the first time though my vision became very blurry and I had trouble standing. A Target store is right next door so I walked in there, bought a bottle of water, sat down and drank the whole thing. I mustered enough energy to walk back to my office and I was fine the rest of the day.

If you didn't catch it above... we are having a precious baby GIRL!!! We weren't going to find out but we changed our mind about 6 weeks ago. We had the big ultrasound on December 5th. The week before the ultrasound (it was on a Friday) felt like the absolute longest week of my life. We were sooo excited! We would have been completely happy with either gender. We prayed for so long for God to bless us with just the perfect child that was created just for us. We couldn't ask for anything more than that. It's so fun to know it's a girl. She's perfectly healthy! At the ultrasound they measure everything from all of the organs to the parts of the brain to the bones in the arms and legs. After our ultrasound the doctor reviewed all of the measurements as we sat anxiously waiting. After his review he looked up and said, "Well, you can't improve perfection. She's perfectly healthy. You are making my job easy!". Yay!! :) :)

We cannot wait until April. We just want to meet our baby girl Claire!

A look back..once more.

One more look back on my pregnancy...

12 weeks.
This is a huge concept to pregnant women. To most other people, "12 weeks" doesn't mean much. Maybe it's the length of our all too short summer or the way in which we measure seasons. To pregnant women though, it is a magical threshold. Every pregnant woman (at least those that want to be pregnant) dream of reaching the 12 week point as soon as they see the magical two lines on the pregnancy test. It is at this point, of course, that the risk of miscarriage decreases significantly. It's where you can finally stop the constant state of worrying and maybe start enjoying your pregnancy.

With my first pregnancy I dreamt of "12 weeks" from the moment I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks and 4 days along. 12 weeks seemed like an eternity away. But of course, the odds were that I wouldn't miscarry. Only 20ish percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and I was young, healthy, a non-smoker, etc and my baby daddy was the same. I was terrified of falling into the 20% but fairly confident I had a good chance of being in the 80%. Until I wasn't. Through this extremely difficult time God taught me a lesson about trusting the odds. God taught me and Josh many many lessons throughout our infertility and loss journey and I desperately wanted to learn from them.

***** SIDE NOTE ALERT********
I do NOT necessarily think that God made us go through infertility and losing our precious first child. I do NOT think that "everything happens for a reason". In fact, I despise that phrase (just my opinion, no offense to those that feel otherwise. I know a lot of people believe in that idea and take refuge in it). I do not think God necessarily decided, "nope. your baby won't live. I am taking him or her away". Maybe He did. He is God after all, so it's definitely within the realm of possibility. But it may not have happened that way. We live in a fallen world. We do not live as God first intended. He did not design us to live in separation from Him. In a fallen world, shit happens. Innocent people are hurt. Tragic events occur and people struggle to make sense of them. Some people believe that there's some greater reason and purpose for all of the pain. I do not believe that God makes and causes all of the horrible things to happen because He has a greater purpose but I do believe that God can take horrible, horrible situations and make good out of them. Maybe He did destine us to struggle with infertility and lose our first child. Maybe He didn't. Maybe His heart broke into a million pieces like ours did. And he took the opportunity to make good from it. To teach us lessons. That's what I believe. This is just my opinion and I do not claim it's the right or correct one. It's just what I believe. And it's why I cringe when I hear that everything happens for a reason.
****************************

Side note complete. But that's why I very much wanted to learn from every lesson. One lesson God taught me was that He is bigger than the odds.

Fast forward to August 11th, 2008 when I found out (again at 3 weeks and 4 days along.. I am a sucker for testing at 11 DPO or DPIUI) that we were miraculously expecting again. It didn't take long for me to yearn for 12 weeks.

Over the following 8 weeks and 3 days, the hope for reaching the 12 week milestone frequently entered my mind. If only I could make it there! Then everything would be better!

The truth is that the worrying doesn't stop at 12 weeks. The possibility for harm doesn't either. Women lose their babies at 13 weeks too. And 16 weeks. And 20 weeks. Babies can be diagnosed inutero with spina bifida, down sydnrome, trisomy 18. Even if born healthy babies can die of sudden infant death syndrome. Or they can be diagnosed with cancer as a toddler. This sounds depressing and I guess it is. Shit happens. You don't enter a magical cocoon at 12 weeks that protects your unborn child from everything bad that can happen. So why place so much hope and trust in reaching that threshold?

During this time I felt an internal struggle. This is an example of what happened multiple times per day.

Internal thoughts of Whitney
yes! I'm 9 weeks! Only four more weeks to go! I'm getting so close! I want this baby so desparately!
Whitney, listen to me.. do not place your hope and faith in this. Place your hope in ME. I love you. I am here for you, no matter what. I will give you shelter and take care of you. You are my precious child.

This really did happen very frequently. I did not audibly hear God talking to me but I heard Him in my thoughts, through other people, and through events.

Annie, my mother in law, gave me a pregnancy devotional book between my first and second pregnancies. Day 61 says:

"With only three weeks left in the first trimester, you may be anxious to jump ahead, looking forward to the relative security of the next phase of pregnancy,when the risk of miscarriage is decreased. You love this baby so much already, and even though you've been praying throughout your pregnancy, your thoughts may return to fear from time to time. Maybe you try to reassure yourself by looking ahead on the calendar. "If only I get through this weekend, I can stop worrying". Or, "If I just make it to my next doctor's appointment, I'll feel more assured that everything is okay". Where do you place your faith: in a living God or in a number on a calendar? Which is able to offer you actual security and protection? Of course, it is God".

I will admit it felt good to reach 12 weeks. And then 13 weeks, and then 14 weeks. The worrying doesn't stop though. I feel baby Docken kick A LOT and if I ever go half a day without feeling the baby, I start worrying. As a mother, I think the worry will remain for the rest of my life. So I pray I continue to place my trust and hope in my savior, Jesus Christ.

Happy 30th Birthday Chris!

Today is my broham's (brother's) 30th birthday. Wow! I can hardly believe it.

Just over 8 years ago (July 25th, 2000), we almost lost him. Chris was in a horrible car accident (in the passenger seat) and his best friend (in the driver seat) tragically passed away. We are so incredibly grateful he is alive- words cannot describe. He is one of the most important people in the world to me. I cannot describe how much I love and care for him. I would do anything for Chris!

I am so proud of him- of who he is. He is the greatest friend anyone could have. I feel so blessed that Josh and Chris have formed such a great relationship. Chris was Josh's best man at our wedding. They both have the brother they never had before!

Just last week Chris became engaged to wonderful Becky. They make a fantastic couple and he made such a good choice with her!

Here are some fond memories of Chris:

• When we were little we played together a lot. Our parents both worked full time so after school and in the summers it was just the two of us a lot of the time. I remember one time I was riding my bike in a dress (go figure), slipped on sand at the end of our street, fell, and somehow managed to get my dress all tangled up in the spokes. Chris found me, rushed home to get a scissors, came back and cut my dress out, and carried my bike home for me as I cried. We loved to play Super Nintento together, watch Tom and Jerry cartoons, drive each other crazy, ride our bikes to PDQ.... it wasn't always easy but we really were great friends.
• We both lived at home in New Prague the summer of 2001. We often stayed up late watching movies. Both of our favorite movies is Armageddon and we both knew virtually all of the words! We watched that movie many times that summer and laughed as we both quoted the entire movie.
• We went to the Timberwolves game against the Lakers in 2004. It was game 6 in the semi-finals. We wore our blue wigs and green face paint. A Timberwolves employee approached Chris and asked him to be the "Fan of the Game", which meant he could watch 4th quarter on the court (near the bench) and go onto the court after the game. His response was, "Not without my sister". We had so much fun doing that together- I will never forget it!
• During our parents' separation and divorce, we became closer than ever. I don't know how many times we called each other to talk, cry, listen, and just be there for each other. He was the only person who truly knew how I felt, and I was the only person that knew how he felt. It was probably the hardest time in both of our lives and we couldn't have gone through it without each other. Even now, we still call each other to talk about our thoughts and feelings about our parents being divorced. After 21 years (24 for Chris) of your family being intact, you don't just become accustomed to a new life apart. This will always be a bond for us.
• In 2002 we went on a family reunion to Sweden. Chris and I really wanted to bring our rollerblades. Our dad tried his darndest to convince us NOT to bring them but to no avail. It was terribly annoying to lug a suitcase of 4 rollerblades all over Sweden and Norway (guess Dad was right) but we thoroughly enjoyed the evening that we rollerbladed in Stockholm together!
• My Grandpa Rudy ADORES my brother. They are so close. My brother calls him "buddy" and Grandpa calls him his "favorite grandson". I love my grandpa to the moon and back, but Chris and my grandpa have a very unique relationship. It is such a blessing to both of them.
• When my Grandma was passing away my entire immediate family was in Florida with her. My brother was such a strong caretaker for her. He has always been a caretaker but it was really apparent during this time. He stayed up at night, right by her side, making sure she was breathing and carrying her to the bathroom and back because she couldn't walk. It brings tears to my eyes to remember this. She loved Chris so much.

I have so many special memories with Chris. He is going to be the most amazing uncle to our precious little child. He will be a fantastic father someday too.

Chris, I love you.