A look back..once more.

One more look back on my pregnancy...

12 weeks.
This is a huge concept to pregnant women. To most other people, "12 weeks" doesn't mean much. Maybe it's the length of our all too short summer or the way in which we measure seasons. To pregnant women though, it is a magical threshold. Every pregnant woman (at least those that want to be pregnant) dream of reaching the 12 week point as soon as they see the magical two lines on the pregnancy test. It is at this point, of course, that the risk of miscarriage decreases significantly. It's where you can finally stop the constant state of worrying and maybe start enjoying your pregnancy.

With my first pregnancy I dreamt of "12 weeks" from the moment I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks and 4 days along. 12 weeks seemed like an eternity away. But of course, the odds were that I wouldn't miscarry. Only 20ish percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and I was young, healthy, a non-smoker, etc and my baby daddy was the same. I was terrified of falling into the 20% but fairly confident I had a good chance of being in the 80%. Until I wasn't. Through this extremely difficult time God taught me a lesson about trusting the odds. God taught me and Josh many many lessons throughout our infertility and loss journey and I desperately wanted to learn from them.

***** SIDE NOTE ALERT********
I do NOT necessarily think that God made us go through infertility and losing our precious first child. I do NOT think that "everything happens for a reason". In fact, I despise that phrase (just my opinion, no offense to those that feel otherwise. I know a lot of people believe in that idea and take refuge in it). I do not think God necessarily decided, "nope. your baby won't live. I am taking him or her away". Maybe He did. He is God after all, so it's definitely within the realm of possibility. But it may not have happened that way. We live in a fallen world. We do not live as God first intended. He did not design us to live in separation from Him. In a fallen world, shit happens. Innocent people are hurt. Tragic events occur and people struggle to make sense of them. Some people believe that there's some greater reason and purpose for all of the pain. I do not believe that God makes and causes all of the horrible things to happen because He has a greater purpose but I do believe that God can take horrible, horrible situations and make good out of them. Maybe He did destine us to struggle with infertility and lose our first child. Maybe He didn't. Maybe His heart broke into a million pieces like ours did. And he took the opportunity to make good from it. To teach us lessons. That's what I believe. This is just my opinion and I do not claim it's the right or correct one. It's just what I believe. And it's why I cringe when I hear that everything happens for a reason.
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Side note complete. But that's why I very much wanted to learn from every lesson. One lesson God taught me was that He is bigger than the odds.

Fast forward to August 11th, 2008 when I found out (again at 3 weeks and 4 days along.. I am a sucker for testing at 11 DPO or DPIUI) that we were miraculously expecting again. It didn't take long for me to yearn for 12 weeks.

Over the following 8 weeks and 3 days, the hope for reaching the 12 week milestone frequently entered my mind. If only I could make it there! Then everything would be better!

The truth is that the worrying doesn't stop at 12 weeks. The possibility for harm doesn't either. Women lose their babies at 13 weeks too. And 16 weeks. And 20 weeks. Babies can be diagnosed inutero with spina bifida, down sydnrome, trisomy 18. Even if born healthy babies can die of sudden infant death syndrome. Or they can be diagnosed with cancer as a toddler. This sounds depressing and I guess it is. Shit happens. You don't enter a magical cocoon at 12 weeks that protects your unborn child from everything bad that can happen. So why place so much hope and trust in reaching that threshold?

During this time I felt an internal struggle. This is an example of what happened multiple times per day.

Internal thoughts of Whitney
yes! I'm 9 weeks! Only four more weeks to go! I'm getting so close! I want this baby so desparately!
Whitney, listen to me.. do not place your hope and faith in this. Place your hope in ME. I love you. I am here for you, no matter what. I will give you shelter and take care of you. You are my precious child.

This really did happen very frequently. I did not audibly hear God talking to me but I heard Him in my thoughts, through other people, and through events.

Annie, my mother in law, gave me a pregnancy devotional book between my first and second pregnancies. Day 61 says:

"With only three weeks left in the first trimester, you may be anxious to jump ahead, looking forward to the relative security of the next phase of pregnancy,when the risk of miscarriage is decreased. You love this baby so much already, and even though you've been praying throughout your pregnancy, your thoughts may return to fear from time to time. Maybe you try to reassure yourself by looking ahead on the calendar. "If only I get through this weekend, I can stop worrying". Or, "If I just make it to my next doctor's appointment, I'll feel more assured that everything is okay". Where do you place your faith: in a living God or in a number on a calendar? Which is able to offer you actual security and protection? Of course, it is God".

I will admit it felt good to reach 12 weeks. And then 13 weeks, and then 14 weeks. The worrying doesn't stop though. I feel baby Docken kick A LOT and if I ever go half a day without feeling the baby, I start worrying. As a mother, I think the worry will remain for the rest of my life. So I pray I continue to place my trust and hope in my savior, Jesus Christ.