Sicky baby

Poor Claire is sick. She started vomiting on Saturday and has had diarrhea since then (going on 2.5 days now!). We have had some stiiiiinky and messsssy diapers!!! We've lit matches in her room to clear out the smell on more than one occasion the past couple of days! She is also on a nursing strike (which is beyond frustrating, especially since I don't have my pump at home) and won't eat much. I tried Pedialyte (both flavored and unflavored) but she didn't care for it. Josh got the bug overnight so we were both home today (me taking care of Claire and Josh puking in the bathroom). I went to Target and got him some Gatorade and 7-Up. I called the Pediatrician tonight because I was concerned Claire is dehydrated since she hasn't had a wet diaper in over a day. The nurse said to give her Gatorade, so it was awesome I already had it in the house! Daddy shared his Gatorade with Claire. She is a fan of that stuff! But she still only had an ounce or two, maybe. She's taking her 4th long nap of the day, which isn't ideal since her bedtime is in 30 minutes, but you never wake a sleeping, sick baby! I am going to take her to the doctor in the morning unless she has a couple wet diapers by then. I am so thankful that Josh and I are a good team. This morning when she had diarrhea alllll over her body and pajamas, we quickly went into action and both knew what to do without hardly communicating about it- which is good because we were focused on not gagging!!

So please pray for my little sweetheart to start feeling better soon (and deciding to nurse again), for Josh to get better, and for me to not get it! I have a midterm on Wednesday so I can't get sick!!

Missing Claire

I am going to preface this by saying that I apologize if this comes across as whiny or entitled-sounding. I am very grateful for my good job and for the opportunities it provides for us, like a nice house, food on the table, a comfortable living. However, my blog is a way for me to process what I am feeling and it’s therapeutic for me. So that’s what I’m doing.

I heard this quote before Claire was born and liked it. I dreamed about our future child who would steal our hearts. Recently I heard it again and it has so much relevance to me now.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. Is it to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body". Elizabeth Stone

The love we feel for Claire is indescribable. I ache when I’m not with her. When I’m at work, I’m generally okay. I enjoy my job, I enjoy the people I work with, and the days go by pretty fast. But it’s almost as if she doesn’t exist to me unless I’m with her. Let me explain. My cube is littered with pictures of her everywhere. I just quickly counted—I have 16 pictures of her in my cube, not including a collage of 8 additional pictures. When people ask me about her, I light up and gush about how wonderful she is. So she’s always in my heart. But I cannot bear to think of her in terms of being alive at this very moment—because then I would have to accept how much time she’s alive and I’m not there with her. Does that make sense? It’s hard for me to think about her being alive, 20 miles away, and wondering what she’s doing, how is she napping, what is going on with her at this exact moment. When I think about her in terms of right now, then it hits me that Annie is with her and I am not. Annie is feeding her and I am not. Annie is reading to her and I am not. Annie is teaching her new things, like “so big”, “high five”, and sign language, and I am not. (Side note- I am so thankful that Annie is taking care of her instead of a daycare center or in-home daycare. We are very, very blessed. If I can’t be with her, then I’m glad that her Grandma is). Gosh, a lump is forming in my throat right now just by typing this out. I can’t accept that I’m not there. I can’t accept that I, her mother, am not taking care of her. So my mind subconsciously acts like she’s only alive when I’m with her—during the evenings, weekends, and all-too-infrequent vacation days. Right or wrong- that’s how I cope. Thank heavens for the ability to compartmentalize.

I have investigated the opportunity to have a flexible work arrangement at Target. I would love, love, love to work 4 days a week, or 4 nine hour days, or work from home one day a week. Basically, anything that’s better than my current schedule of being gone from 6:30-5:30 Monday through Friday. I just want more balance. Unfortunately, it’s not a possibility at Target right now and I am not interested in seeking out opportunities outside of Target at this point.

When I visualize my future, I see time spent with my children (yes, multiple). I don’t envision the continuation of the rate race I’m currently in. I don’t see spending only weekends and the occasional vacation day with my children. I guess you could say I’m living with hope, which isn’t a bad thing. I’m hopeful that my situation will change and I’ll have more balance in the future. But that same hope is preventing me from accepting my life as it is now and truly enjoying it as much as possible. I am ‘okay’ with my life as it is because I am not accepting that it will be this way forever. But at the same time, it is very possible, more likely than not in fact, that this will be my life in the future- that I will work full-time for the foreseeable future. I feel like it should be possible to get into a groove of working all day, having a couple hours at home at night, and maximizing the weekends with my family.

Wake up.
Get ready.
Go to work.
Come home.
Make dinner.
Feed Claire.
Bathe Claire.
Play with Claire.
Put Claire to bed.
Spend time with Josh.
Relax.
Get ready for bed.
Go to Bed.
Rinse.
Repeat.

I yearn to get into that flow, that rhythm, and be okay with it. But I’ve been a working mother for 7 months and I have not been able to achieve that groove. Does it exist? How do I just enjoy my life as it is? How do I live for the moment, and not for the future that I dream of, that likely will not happen?

I am so blessed. I have a wonderful husband who is my best friend, I have a gorgeous, healthy daughter, I have a good job, I have amazing friends and family. Why is that not enough?

Sweating the details

I had the privilege yesterday of attending Target's 2010 Sustainability Offsite at Solera restaurant in Minneapolis. A great benefit of working at Target is the cool things you get to be a part of due to Target's size and status. Like, having Black Eyed Peas shows up and perform at a team meeting and hearing the founder of the company Method speak to 40 or so people at a Sustainability offsite.

I have always liked Method's products but after hearing Adam Lowry, the founder, speak for and hour and a half, I am now completely sold on the company.

He said that companies must sweat the details. He gave the example of a company called SIGG that sells water bottles that they enthusiastically promote as 'green' and 'earth friendly'. The New York Times busted them and ran an article that decribed how the SIGG bottles contain BPA, a chemical that has been shown to cause birth defects. Because SIGG didn't sweat the details, their inauthenticity was exposed and they lost credibility and trust.

After I finished lunch, I took a few minutes to sit on a bench and reflect on the morning before the afternoon session began.

My mind soon began applying this idea of sweating the details to my personal life.

All too often I think we forget that the devil is in the details, literally.

If I am diligent in my prayer life, love my neighbor as myself, give time and money to the needy, and then go home and snap at my husband or show impatience or idolize a TV show, then where does that leave me?

If I pray for my friend, offer her support and encouragement, and then gossip with her about another friend, what have I gained? What have I shown her that I stand for?

When I was younger, my friends Amy and Jessica and I loved the song "What if I stumble" by DC Talk. It begins with this quote:

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

Inauthenticity. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.

It's the small stuff. We're all generally good people. But how do we treat our spouse when we are in a bad mood? How do we treat our children when we are tired or overwhelmed? Because people are watching. I heard the quote once, "your life is the only Bible some people will read". So I am going to start paying more attention to the details in my life and behavior.

I shared these thoughts with Josh last night and after he sat and listened he said, "How do you come up with this stuff?!?!". I don't know! It's just the way I work! I listen to a founder of a cleaning company and then have a revelation about my lifesong. :)

Wisdom at Jimmy Johns???

Who knew you could be enlightened at Jimmy Johns? Josh and I had dinner there last Monday evening while we anxiously awaited the arrival of our first nephew, Broden!!! As we sat in the booth, we read a sign on the wall next to us. I liked it so much that I contemplated for a second trying to type it all on my iPhone and then disregarded the idea because that would take far too much effort. Then it dawned on me that I could take a PICTURE of it on my iPhone and type it on my computer later! Genius!!

Enjoy.....


The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "only a little while".

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life!"

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually, you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions?" asked the fisherman, "Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evening, sip wine and play guitar with your amigos!"

Author unknown

Adopted for Life . . . and in Death

Adopted for Life . . . and in Death