Missing Claire

I am going to preface this by saying that I apologize if this comes across as whiny or entitled-sounding. I am very grateful for my good job and for the opportunities it provides for us, like a nice house, food on the table, a comfortable living. However, my blog is a way for me to process what I am feeling and it’s therapeutic for me. So that’s what I’m doing.

I heard this quote before Claire was born and liked it. I dreamed about our future child who would steal our hearts. Recently I heard it again and it has so much relevance to me now.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. Is it to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body". Elizabeth Stone

The love we feel for Claire is indescribable. I ache when I’m not with her. When I’m at work, I’m generally okay. I enjoy my job, I enjoy the people I work with, and the days go by pretty fast. But it’s almost as if she doesn’t exist to me unless I’m with her. Let me explain. My cube is littered with pictures of her everywhere. I just quickly counted—I have 16 pictures of her in my cube, not including a collage of 8 additional pictures. When people ask me about her, I light up and gush about how wonderful she is. So she’s always in my heart. But I cannot bear to think of her in terms of being alive at this very moment—because then I would have to accept how much time she’s alive and I’m not there with her. Does that make sense? It’s hard for me to think about her being alive, 20 miles away, and wondering what she’s doing, how is she napping, what is going on with her at this exact moment. When I think about her in terms of right now, then it hits me that Annie is with her and I am not. Annie is feeding her and I am not. Annie is reading to her and I am not. Annie is teaching her new things, like “so big”, “high five”, and sign language, and I am not. (Side note- I am so thankful that Annie is taking care of her instead of a daycare center or in-home daycare. We are very, very blessed. If I can’t be with her, then I’m glad that her Grandma is). Gosh, a lump is forming in my throat right now just by typing this out. I can’t accept that I’m not there. I can’t accept that I, her mother, am not taking care of her. So my mind subconsciously acts like she’s only alive when I’m with her—during the evenings, weekends, and all-too-infrequent vacation days. Right or wrong- that’s how I cope. Thank heavens for the ability to compartmentalize.

I have investigated the opportunity to have a flexible work arrangement at Target. I would love, love, love to work 4 days a week, or 4 nine hour days, or work from home one day a week. Basically, anything that’s better than my current schedule of being gone from 6:30-5:30 Monday through Friday. I just want more balance. Unfortunately, it’s not a possibility at Target right now and I am not interested in seeking out opportunities outside of Target at this point.

When I visualize my future, I see time spent with my children (yes, multiple). I don’t envision the continuation of the rate race I’m currently in. I don’t see spending only weekends and the occasional vacation day with my children. I guess you could say I’m living with hope, which isn’t a bad thing. I’m hopeful that my situation will change and I’ll have more balance in the future. But that same hope is preventing me from accepting my life as it is now and truly enjoying it as much as possible. I am ‘okay’ with my life as it is because I am not accepting that it will be this way forever. But at the same time, it is very possible, more likely than not in fact, that this will be my life in the future- that I will work full-time for the foreseeable future. I feel like it should be possible to get into a groove of working all day, having a couple hours at home at night, and maximizing the weekends with my family.

Wake up.
Get ready.
Go to work.
Come home.
Make dinner.
Feed Claire.
Bathe Claire.
Play with Claire.
Put Claire to bed.
Spend time with Josh.
Relax.
Get ready for bed.
Go to Bed.
Rinse.
Repeat.

I yearn to get into that flow, that rhythm, and be okay with it. But I’ve been a working mother for 7 months and I have not been able to achieve that groove. Does it exist? How do I just enjoy my life as it is? How do I live for the moment, and not for the future that I dream of, that likely will not happen?

I am so blessed. I have a wonderful husband who is my best friend, I have a gorgeous, healthy daughter, I have a good job, I have amazing friends and family. Why is that not enough?