The beginning

This coming Monday, we will have known for 11 weeks that we were expecting a baby. We didn't announce it on here until recently because we weren't ready to share the news, even though there is a very small group of people that have access to this blog. But, one of the primary purposes of this blog is a journal, a keepsake, for Josh and I. I feel like so many things have happened in the past 11 weeks, actually 14.5 weeks since this cycle began, that I want to write down so I can remember them forever.

So, I am going back in time.

Getting pregnant, and staying pregnant, was a very difficult journey for us. 1 in 6 couples deal with infertility and we fall into that category. There were months and months that we prayed for God to bless us with a baby. Josh and I prayed together daily, but I also prayed many, many times throughout the day myself. It is difficult to explain, even difficult for me to fully understand, but I had an internal struggle between praying for a baby and praying for God's will.

I knew that we wanted to start a family, but for some reason, I always felt a pang of hesitation when I asked for it. I would get frustrated and worried about the pang of hesitation because I didn't know what was causing it and I was very worried that God would take it as a sign that we weren't ready.

Although our journey to starting a family was difficult, to say the least, I knew that it would not be in vain. I knew that God was teaching and developing Josh and I individually and as a couple. He was bringing us closer to Him individually and us closer together as a couple. I did not want to be on this journey but I wanted to receive and learn what He wanted me to. I earnestly prayed for these things.

July was 6 months past our miscarriage. We had had 4 failed cycles with infertility treatments since the miscarriage and were starting our 5th. We were approaching our original due date (Sept 26th) and it scared me that we might not be pregnant by then because I had always thought/hoped/prayed we would be. And then God turned on a lightbulb in my head. There were two verses that constantly played through my mind, out of nowhere.

"Until now you have not asked for anthing in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete" John 16:24

"Ask and it wil be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened" Matthew 7:7-8

It was almost like an epiphany. Instantly my prayers changed and the hesitation deep in my heart went completely away. I told Jesus, "we do not deserve a baby but because You are gracious, merciful, and love us more than we can imagine, I ask that You grant us a baby, that you answer our prayers". My heart felt different and my prayers certainly sounded different. It was like God was telling me, "WHITNEY! My child! ASK me.... just ask me, because I love you".

We also pursued more intensive infertility treatments that cycle but I do believe God answered our prayers.

We went to International Falls August 9-10th for my Grandma's 80th birthday party. Chris, Becky, Josh and I drove together. It was very early but I had a feeling I was pregnant. I had vowed to not take a pregnancy test until August 14th but, as in the previous cycles, I buckled and tested August 11th, before work. It was positive immediately. I was so happy but so scared. I woke Josh up and told him the test was positive. He said, "I thought you weren't testing yet!". Although we were elated, we were very worried for two reasons:

1) I had had a trigger shot 12 days prior. The shot induces ovulation within 24-36 hours and it contains a strong dosage of hcG, which is the same exact hormone that pregnancy tests measure. If you test too early, you can receive a false positive because it could just be lingering hcG from the shot.

2) We knew from experience that a positive pregnancy test does not equal a baby.

I tested again the next day and the line was even darker so Josh and I felt confident that it wasn't the shot. We were so happy, but still worried about a miscarriage.

That Tuesday I went to my clinic for a blood draw to measure what is called a "beta", which is essentially the level of hcG. Next time I'll write more about the days after positive test, but for now I really need to jump in the shower because I'm having coffee with Sara in 45 minutes!