Sacrificial love

I've had a lot on my mind and heart lately, it seems.  

Claire has been challenging.  I've heard that three year olds are more challenging than two year olds...and with Claire's third birthday a week away, I'd have to say a resounding....AGREED!

When I say she has been challenging, I mean.... "I often don't know what to do with her and she drives me insanely crazy and I sometimes feel like a failure of a parent and I just wish she would always be the kind and sweet and obeying girl that I know she can be and am I doing everything WRONG?!?!"

The trouble is.... I see a lot of myself in her.  In her good and in her bad.

And can I fault her for that?  This girl could move mountains. She is passionate and empathetic and stubborn and strong-willed and hilarious and did I mention she's incredibly smart?

Those qualities manifest themselves in many ways.  During the first week of the "OPERATION", I told her she had to take a nap so we could go to the park with Katie and Parker and have french fries and a shake.  Surely, she would sleep at least a short while in the next three hours, right?!  Wrong.  She cried for over three hours and then the entire way to the park she continually asked, "But why are we going to the park, Mom?  I didn't take a nap.  So why are we going?  You said that I had to take a nap to go to the park, but I didn't.  So why are we going to the park?"

I didn't talk with her the entire drive and inwardly cursed myself for threatening something for which I wasn't willing to follow through.  

Daily, I pray for patience.  I pray that Jesus would give me the grace necessary to extend to Claire.  I pray that she would see glimpses of His compassion, and patience, and gentleness, and unconditional love through my interactions with her. 

And daily I fail.  And when I do, I ask for forgiveness...and for wisdom to get it right (or at least, better) the next time. 

Claire is my heart.  She's my happy, my frustrations, my elation, my joy, my belly laugh, my anger, my wondering if I'll ever get to sleep past 5:45AM consistently again.  (Did I mention that she has an internal clock that wakes up between 5:00-5:30AM EVERY SINGLE DAY?).  

The other morning before work, I sat wearily on the bathroom floor, holding my baby girl.  I told her, "Claire...someday you will sleep in.  You may be in high school, but you will sleep in.  Someday."  

She responded, "Mom, you're teasing me".

One of my pastors once said that he has told his sons, "I love you because I  love you".  I get that now.  

When I need to be reminded of sacrificial love, I look to my own mother. 

My mom.  My amazing blessing, my best friend, my confidant, my cheerleader, my shoulder to cry on.  My person who I talk to at least once, if not twice or thrice, a day. 

Right now I have terrible pains in my neck.  It hurts to move my head and I'm popping like 12 ibuprofen a day.  I told her this morning and she immediately said, "You need to get in to see Andy (our amazing miracle worker of a chiropractor).  I know that he is booked this week and early next week but I have an appointment next Tuesday afternoon (she has chronic issues with her wrist) and you can take it from me".  

I almost cried (and you know I'm not a crier).  Sacrificial love.
Putting me above herself, without any hesitation.
  

That's who I want to be for Claire. When she's 30 years old 27 years from now, I want her to say that I offered her a life of sacrificial love.  I want her to say that she admires her Mom who gave her boundaries and taught her perspective, who shared openly and daily about the Jesus who died for her, who taught her that she can do and be anything, and who was, is, and always will be her safe person. 

I want to be for Claire what my Mom is for me.  Sacrificially loving.