The odds don't make sense

I (Whitney) am a very reflective, spiritual, emotional, and undoubtedly logical person. I tend to think in terms of odds.

• When I was 10 years old, 3000 young girls auditioned to dance in Superbowl 26. 300 were selected. I fell within that 10%.
• In April 2005, 95% of the test-takers failed the U.S. Customs Broker exam. I was in the lucky 5% that passed.
• Many people interview for the current position I have at Target. Somehow I was selected.

So in January when I learned that I was 80% likely to have a healthy and full-term pregnancy, I loved my odds. I determined they were even above the much-researched 80% liklihood. Given our young age and the fact that we don't smoke or drink (much), in my analytical mind I figured I was about 90% likely to not have a miscarriage. And then I did. This time I was devastated to be in the minority. I realized that when I beat the odds it was usually because I wanted it bad enough, I worked hard enough, and my incredible determination lended itself to making it happen.

So it's especially hard for me when I can't make this happen. No matter how strong our desire for a baby, there is little I can do by working hard and being determined. I leave it all up to God. And you know what- God doesn't care about odds. He doesn't know what it is. He is bigger than the odds could ever be.

I completely do not buy into the "everything happens for a reason" mentality. I think we live in a fallen world and tragedy happens as long as we are separated from our Creator and God's original plan. However, I do believe with my whole heart that God takes terrible situations, situations that are beyond our comprehension, and he makes good out of them. I became acutely aware of this during and after my parents' divorce. It was the deepest, truest, most gut-wrenching pain any of my immediate family members have ever felt. But since then God has poured innumberable blessings upon my family. I don't think there was a reason for their divorce, much like I don't believe there is a reason we lost our first baby. But I am certain that He will bring good out of the pain.

I am so thankful for the tremendous support we have received. I am especially thankful for my mom, Annie (Josh's mom), Sarah, Jessica, Cindy and others who simply poured out their compassion and cried with us. We are incredibly blessed to have an amazing support system. I also see God shaping, molding, and blessing my and Josh's extraordinary marriage. It is easy to be and grow in love during times of blessing, joy, and ease. It is through the times of adversity, pain, and struggle that we truly grow. I know that God is using this terrible journey to make our marriage even stronger.

I am scared, confused, sad. But I have hope and I know that God has a plan for our life. I will never waver in my trust and love for the Lord. I will praise Him in this storm. I will pray for His will to be done, even if it clashes with mine.

"You give and take away.
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be Your name"