3 Months

Claire is 3 months old today! Wow!

Claire at three months:

• rolls over!! Annie saw it on Thursday and Josh and I saw it today! (I asked Annie to not share any more milestones with me. It hit me hard when I heard that I missed her roll over for the first time. I spent almost every waking minute with Claire the first 12 weeks of her life, and then I'm gone for 4 days and she rolls over! Unbelievable!).
• is a happy girl. She hardly ever fusses, except for when she's tired or bored. She doesn't even cry much when she's hungry. Last night, for instance, she slept for 10 hours and 15 minutes! When she woke up, she just laid patiently in her bassinet and waited for me to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth before getting her. She was all smiles while I changed her diaper and then ate a big meal. It never ceases to surprise me how patient she is even when she hasn't ate in 10 1/2 hours!
• still sleeps throught the night. She hasn't gotten up during the night since she was 5-6 weeks old. Not even one time. Amazing.
• is very responsive. She smiles, laughs, and "talks" in response to us.
• is taking the bottle better. The first day of daycare was rough, for Claire and for Annie, but she quickly learned that Mama can't stay home with her no matter how stubborn she is. She usually takes the bottle like a dream now!
• is on more of a feeding schedule. She eats every 3-4 hours and about 3 ounces at a time when she takes a bottle.
• loves shopping at Target. Just like her mama.
• wears 0-3 months clothes. She'll outgrow them in length long before she outgrows them in weight. She weighs approximately 10 lbs 4 oz, give or take a pound. This is based on the scientific method of me standing on the scale with and without her.
• likes to nap in her bouncer, swing, and carseat. She continues to take really good naps. Sometimes she'll take 30 minute cat naps, but she usually has one to two good 1.5-2.5 hour naps during the day.

Why?

I have been reflecting on this question for a couple years now. My thoughts have changed over time and depending on my circumstance. When we were first trying to get pregnant I felt differently than when we were recovering from the miscarriage. And now I feel entirely different with Claire in our lives.


Why do you have a baby? What is the purpose?


Your life changes dramatically and in every way possible when you have a baby. Suddenly your wallet is significantly lighter, your body is tired, you go, go, go all day long changing diapers, feeding, playing, consoling, laughing. Your life revolves around your child(ren). When they are older you suddenly become a taxi driver. In the past few years I have developed a deeper and more profound appreciation for my mom. I have always appreciated her and been grateful for all she did for me, but as the years go by, my realization of the incredible sacrifices she made for me for deepens. My mom worked full-time and had a decent commute. My brother and I had many activities pretty much every single evening. She would call us when she was pulling into the neighborhood and would tell us to meet her in the driveway. She would pull up, we would jump into the car, and her evening of driving us to and from our activities began. She would get home late, still dressed in her work clothes, and may or may not have had dinner (if she did eat, it was on the road). She made our lunches for the next day, probably picked up the house, maybe did some dishes, most likely told Chris and I to stop arguing (:)), and then went to bed, only to begin it all again the next day. I have a lump in my throat just thinking about it. Chris and I were/are so blessed. THANK YOU, MOM.



When you have a child your life becomes...more stressful..more worrisome..busier.


So, why? Why do we have a child/children?


Is it because they bring us indescribable joy? Yes. Is it because we have so much love to share? Yes. Is it because we want company as we grow older? Yes.


But is that all? Before Claire I would have thought that pretty much summed it up. But now I believe there are so many more reasons.


Here are two reasons that have been revealed to me in the last 12 weeks.



Having a child causes a deep and real realization of just how much God loves us.


I have always known that God loves me. But it's so tough to really understand just how much. We are told that He knows our name, He knows how many hairs are on our head, He knows our deepest dreams and fears-- but our human minds cannot completely fathom the love our Father has for us.

I can't describe how much I love Claire or how much I want to protect her. I told Josh the other day that sometimes when I think about how much I love her, I get actual pains in my stomach. His response? "Sometimes I cry".

I so badly want to protect her, to keep her healthy and happy, to prevent her from experiencing any discomfort or hardship. If I love her this much, then how much more does God love me? I love with a natural love, but He loves with a supernatural love. Our love is imperfect- our love is impacted by events and is not truly "unconditional". His love is, though. Each day that I have with Claire, I begin to more fully understand just how strong His love is for me. And this understanding is life-changing.

Having a child causes your heart to break

I have never felt stronger compassion for children than I have since Claire was born.

When she was maybe 6 weeks old, I watched part of "Finding Nemo" at my mom's house with her boyfriend's grandson. It was my first time seeing the movie. I only saw the end where Nemo was separated from his Daddy and was in the dentist's office. Nemo was playing dead because he didn't want the dentist to flush him down the drain. Nemo's Daddy came to the window and saw Nemo playing dead. He was heartbroken and left. Nemo saw his Daddy and tried to tell him he was just pretending but it was too late. I was so sad that it was all I could do to not cry. Yes, this is the same Whitney that people joke is heartless because I never, never, never cry at movies. Not even movies that are truly sad, unlike Finding Nemo. But I was touched by this event between the baby fish and the papa fish.

When Claire was just a couple weeks old I saw a special on some news show about children in Africa that are being convicted and punished for witchcraft. The society believes that the children are the reason their parents are facing economic hardship and if the children are "treated" (read: tortured) for witchcraft and then abandoned to live in the street by themselves, their parents will finally be released from their turmoil. Can you imagine??? Sometimes the kids are only two or three years old! Oh, my heart starts racing at the thought of it because it makes me so angry. I talked to my dad about it a few days later and he said he was watching the same show and had to turn it off because it was too horrible. I am furious about the injustice. Kids are so vulnerable, fragile, and completely dependent on their parents. For parents to hand their young children over to be tortured and then abandoned is unimaginable. And now that I am a parent myself, the rage I feel over the injustice is so much stronger. Yes, I have always been compassionate and have always been an advocate for children (which is why I have wanted to adopt an orphan since first visiting an orphanage in Ukraine when I was 16 years old) but now that I'm a mom, the feeling is just different. It's stronger.

I want to fight for justice for children. I want to teach Claire to be compassionate, to not be about self but to be about others, to truly and deeply care for the poor, the homeless, the mistreated. To not be consumed about who Jillian is going to choose on the Bachelorette or the latest J&K+8 drama, but to be consumed with being a passionate warrior for the Lord. This is who I want to be. And this is who I want her to be.

My favorite song for awhile has been "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath. It perfectly portrays this desire of mine to be in the world, but not of the world. My desire to see others, really see others, and the pain that they feel.... to look past what's on the surface and see the person underneath, the way that God sees each and every one of us. And to make a difference in the temporal and eternal life of others.

Here is the chorus:

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

I pray that as my love and care for Claire deepens, so will my resolve to improve the life of children. That may be done through donating more and more to Hope International, or by adopting one or more orphans, or by praying. Or all three!

So there are two reasons to have a child that I didn't realize until after Claire was born. Having a child causes a deep and real realization of just how much God loves us and having a child causes your heart to break. Now if I could only convince Josh to let us have three more instead of one more. :)

Reflections on my time with Claire

I have been reflecting on my time with Claire for a couple weeks now and wanting to write it down so I can look back and remember. It's been hard to sit down and actually write because either I'm busy being with Claire or I am in denial that our time is coming to an end. Right now, however, she is sleeping and I only have 1.5 days left, so it's time. I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

To verbally express my love for Claire would be impossible. A few years ago I heard the quote, "Deciding to have a child is like deciding to forever have your heart walk outside of your body". Oh, how true it is. She is my heart. She's my #3. When Josh and I were dating we would often call each other our #2. God was our #1, and we were each other's #2. That helped us to keep God at the center of our lives and relationship. Now Claire is #3. Now that I write that, I am second-guessing myself. To me, she is more important than me. Anyways...I'm having a hard time following myself so I'm sure you're having an even harder time following me.. I'll get back on track.

I guess some people consider me a "career oriented" person. I have often been called "ambitious", "driven", "tenacious". Maybe for those reasons, several people asked me before my maternity leave and during my maternity leave if I missed work or if I was anxious to get back. My answer...? NO! I have loved every single minute of the last 12 weeks. It has been the most precious time in my life. Every morning has felt like Christmas morning-- full of anticipation, excitement, gratitude.

I feel like I have traveled on such a long journey in just 12 short weeks. I remember at the beginning, I was totally overwhelmed. Part of it was due to the hormones. (Side note. Your 'pregnancy' hormones peak just prior to delivery. Within 10 days they are completely removed from your body, so your body essentially crashes. Note to moms-to-be, it is completely normal to be emotional at the beginning and to not feel like yourself. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!). Part of it was because of the daunting responsibility of caring for a new little being that is wholly dependent on you. Claire was also farrrr from an 'easy' baby at first. When she was awake, she was doing one of two thing: 1) eating, 2) crying. She could be awake for maybe 10 minutes without crying. I remember telling Josh that I just wished she could be awake and content for a small amount of time. He wisely told me that she would be with time.

To be honest, when she was sleeping I was nervous for her to wake up. This only lasted a couple weeks. By the time she was 2-3 weeks old, I felt more comfortable and confident. Now she's like a completely different baby. She is hardly ever fussy and when she is, it's for a reason. She is either hungry, wet, dirty, bored, over-stimulated, tired, or has a tummy ache. I'm pretty good at figuring out what is wrong and fixing the situation. She is just such a happy baby. She is so fun to be with.

In the beginning I remember wondering how in the heck I was supposed to do anything other than care for Claire. The thought of making dinner was laughable. How was I supposed to have my hands free for a decent amount of time during Claire's fussiest time of the day? So I started off slowly. We were blessed to have our parents bring meals the first couple of weeks. Then we had a few nights of takeout. Then my first meal was lasagna. I made it in the afternoon while Claire was sleeping- ingenious! I just put it in the fridge and stuck it in the oven later in the day. Josh and I didn't get to actually eat together, because that would be asking too much. We got pretty used to eating in shifts.

A few short months ago Claire was in my belly and was just a dream come true. Now I know her.

I know her.

I know her smell. I know her facial expressions (and she has a hundred of them!). I know how she raises her eyebrows sometimes while she eats. I know how she streches when she wakes up and when she finishes eating. I know what makes her happy and what makes her sad. I know her personality. I have spent almost every waking minute with her for three entire months. She is part of me.

How am I supposed to be separated from her?

I don't want to be. I certainly don't. I just want to be with her. But I know it's not possible and I know she will be in good hands.

I just wish they were my hands.

Now the tears are flowing...

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Fond memories/things I will miss/things I loved:

• Cuddling with Claire
• Garage saling with Sara Domer and her young'uns on May 28th
• Garage saling with Josh while Annie babysat (it felt like we were on a fantastic date!) on May 29th.
• Walking around Cleary Lake or "The Pond" with Rachel and Kiera. Great conversation and exercise!
• Nursing Claire for the first time of the day in her rocking chair, with the morning light coming in (even with the blinds closed, I had to find ways to block the sun from her face).
• Watching Regis and Kelly
• Walking around "The Pond" with Sara, Lauren and Jake.
• Wednesday morning class with the new moms- Krista, Rachel, Shannon, Dagney, Melissa, Jody, and Ashley.
• Getting to know Claire
• Claire taking naps while laying on my chest- and me dozing off sometimes during them.
• Spending time with Sydney
• Target trips (like every other day!)
• Walking around Burnsville Center
• Spending the day at the Bluff Valley campsite with Jeff and Annie
• Walks around our neighborhood
• Playing with Claire on her "activity mat".
• Spending time with Josh on the days he took off
• Not having the "ugh, we go back to work tomorrow" feeling on Sunday evenings, and instead having the "I am so lucky, I am so happy, I am so grateful, I get to spend another entire week with my love, Claire!!" feeling (this is a BIG one!)
• Talking to my mom on the phone
• Spending time with Chris
• Grandpa's visit. Hanging out at mom's house with Grandpa, mom, and Chris (and Claire of course!)
• Going to Carbones for lunch with Chris, Grandpa, and Claire on June 22
• Giving Claire baths
• Reading Claire books
• Going to the zoo with Josh and Claire on our 5 year anniversary
• Going to bed at night knowing that I get to spend the next day with Claire (oh my, the tears are welling up and the lump is forming in my throat again!)
• Praying, praying, praying- prayers of gratitude and thankfulness and prayers for Claire's safety and protection
• Having the "old neighbors" (aka dear, dear, friends!!) over at mom's house to meet Claire.
• Going to mom's house and having lunch with her and/or just hanging out on her vacation days
• Pulling over into the nearest parking lot while Claire is screaming in the car to calm her down.
• Having Sarah over for visits
• Learning how to take care of Claire. Learning what she likes/dislikes. Knowing what will make her happy, what will make her sad, how to make her smile.
• Being in my house. I have never spent this much time in my house. It has felt really good.
• Watching Sydney lay in the sun and knowing how much happier she is to be out and about and not stuck in her kennel all darn day long.
• Not being stressed about work. Just truly enjoying every minute with Claire.
• Not being stressed about school and studying.
• Wearing Claire in the Baby Bjorn while making dinner and/or doing laundry
• Periodically watching Oprah
• Taking tons and tons of pictures of Claire
• Being able to share the pictures of Claire with friends and family on Facebook
• Just being with Claire. Plain and simple.

5 years

5 years of marriage

8 years of knowing my best friend

2 houses

1 dog

8 jobs

2 times living with Whitney's mom

1 million kisses

4 vehicles for Whitney

Countless vehicles for Josh

5 trips (not including Florida)

1 graduate school program

500,000 (approx) laughs

2 pregnancies

1 miscarriage

1 baby that is the light of our lives

2 surgeries

5 anniversary cards x2

A few tears

3,000 Craiglist purchases or sales

3 engaged siblings

4 retreats with our confirmation kids

1 year of teaching sunday school together

4 years of being confirmation mentors together

5 years of marriage.... today!!

I love you so much, honey. I am so blessed and honored to travel through life with you!!