Reflections on my time with Claire

I have been reflecting on my time with Claire for a couple weeks now and wanting to write it down so I can look back and remember. It's been hard to sit down and actually write because either I'm busy being with Claire or I am in denial that our time is coming to an end. Right now, however, she is sleeping and I only have 1.5 days left, so it's time. I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

To verbally express my love for Claire would be impossible. A few years ago I heard the quote, "Deciding to have a child is like deciding to forever have your heart walk outside of your body". Oh, how true it is. She is my heart. She's my #3. When Josh and I were dating we would often call each other our #2. God was our #1, and we were each other's #2. That helped us to keep God at the center of our lives and relationship. Now Claire is #3. Now that I write that, I am second-guessing myself. To me, she is more important than me. Anyways...I'm having a hard time following myself so I'm sure you're having an even harder time following me.. I'll get back on track.

I guess some people consider me a "career oriented" person. I have often been called "ambitious", "driven", "tenacious". Maybe for those reasons, several people asked me before my maternity leave and during my maternity leave if I missed work or if I was anxious to get back. My answer...? NO! I have loved every single minute of the last 12 weeks. It has been the most precious time in my life. Every morning has felt like Christmas morning-- full of anticipation, excitement, gratitude.

I feel like I have traveled on such a long journey in just 12 short weeks. I remember at the beginning, I was totally overwhelmed. Part of it was due to the hormones. (Side note. Your 'pregnancy' hormones peak just prior to delivery. Within 10 days they are completely removed from your body, so your body essentially crashes. Note to moms-to-be, it is completely normal to be emotional at the beginning and to not feel like yourself. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!). Part of it was because of the daunting responsibility of caring for a new little being that is wholly dependent on you. Claire was also farrrr from an 'easy' baby at first. When she was awake, she was doing one of two thing: 1) eating, 2) crying. She could be awake for maybe 10 minutes without crying. I remember telling Josh that I just wished she could be awake and content for a small amount of time. He wisely told me that she would be with time.

To be honest, when she was sleeping I was nervous for her to wake up. This only lasted a couple weeks. By the time she was 2-3 weeks old, I felt more comfortable and confident. Now she's like a completely different baby. She is hardly ever fussy and when she is, it's for a reason. She is either hungry, wet, dirty, bored, over-stimulated, tired, or has a tummy ache. I'm pretty good at figuring out what is wrong and fixing the situation. She is just such a happy baby. She is so fun to be with.

In the beginning I remember wondering how in the heck I was supposed to do anything other than care for Claire. The thought of making dinner was laughable. How was I supposed to have my hands free for a decent amount of time during Claire's fussiest time of the day? So I started off slowly. We were blessed to have our parents bring meals the first couple of weeks. Then we had a few nights of takeout. Then my first meal was lasagna. I made it in the afternoon while Claire was sleeping- ingenious! I just put it in the fridge and stuck it in the oven later in the day. Josh and I didn't get to actually eat together, because that would be asking too much. We got pretty used to eating in shifts.

A few short months ago Claire was in my belly and was just a dream come true. Now I know her.

I know her.

I know her smell. I know her facial expressions (and she has a hundred of them!). I know how she raises her eyebrows sometimes while she eats. I know how she streches when she wakes up and when she finishes eating. I know what makes her happy and what makes her sad. I know her personality. I have spent almost every waking minute with her for three entire months. She is part of me.

How am I supposed to be separated from her?

I don't want to be. I certainly don't. I just want to be with her. But I know it's not possible and I know she will be in good hands.

I just wish they were my hands.

Now the tears are flowing...

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Fond memories/things I will miss/things I loved:

• Cuddling with Claire
• Garage saling with Sara Domer and her young'uns on May 28th
• Garage saling with Josh while Annie babysat (it felt like we were on a fantastic date!) on May 29th.
• Walking around Cleary Lake or "The Pond" with Rachel and Kiera. Great conversation and exercise!
• Nursing Claire for the first time of the day in her rocking chair, with the morning light coming in (even with the blinds closed, I had to find ways to block the sun from her face).
• Watching Regis and Kelly
• Walking around "The Pond" with Sara, Lauren and Jake.
• Wednesday morning class with the new moms- Krista, Rachel, Shannon, Dagney, Melissa, Jody, and Ashley.
• Getting to know Claire
• Claire taking naps while laying on my chest- and me dozing off sometimes during them.
• Spending time with Sydney
• Target trips (like every other day!)
• Walking around Burnsville Center
• Spending the day at the Bluff Valley campsite with Jeff and Annie
• Walks around our neighborhood
• Playing with Claire on her "activity mat".
• Spending time with Josh on the days he took off
• Not having the "ugh, we go back to work tomorrow" feeling on Sunday evenings, and instead having the "I am so lucky, I am so happy, I am so grateful, I get to spend another entire week with my love, Claire!!" feeling (this is a BIG one!)
• Talking to my mom on the phone
• Spending time with Chris
• Grandpa's visit. Hanging out at mom's house with Grandpa, mom, and Chris (and Claire of course!)
• Going to Carbones for lunch with Chris, Grandpa, and Claire on June 22
• Giving Claire baths
• Reading Claire books
• Going to the zoo with Josh and Claire on our 5 year anniversary
• Going to bed at night knowing that I get to spend the next day with Claire (oh my, the tears are welling up and the lump is forming in my throat again!)
• Praying, praying, praying- prayers of gratitude and thankfulness and prayers for Claire's safety and protection
• Having the "old neighbors" (aka dear, dear, friends!!) over at mom's house to meet Claire.
• Going to mom's house and having lunch with her and/or just hanging out on her vacation days
• Pulling over into the nearest parking lot while Claire is screaming in the car to calm her down.
• Having Sarah over for visits
• Learning how to take care of Claire. Learning what she likes/dislikes. Knowing what will make her happy, what will make her sad, how to make her smile.
• Being in my house. I have never spent this much time in my house. It has felt really good.
• Watching Sydney lay in the sun and knowing how much happier she is to be out and about and not stuck in her kennel all darn day long.
• Not being stressed about work. Just truly enjoying every minute with Claire.
• Not being stressed about school and studying.
• Wearing Claire in the Baby Bjorn while making dinner and/or doing laundry
• Periodically watching Oprah
• Taking tons and tons of pictures of Claire
• Being able to share the pictures of Claire with friends and family on Facebook
• Just being with Claire. Plain and simple.