Why?

I have been reflecting on this question for a couple years now. My thoughts have changed over time and depending on my circumstance. When we were first trying to get pregnant I felt differently than when we were recovering from the miscarriage. And now I feel entirely different with Claire in our lives.


Why do you have a baby? What is the purpose?


Your life changes dramatically and in every way possible when you have a baby. Suddenly your wallet is significantly lighter, your body is tired, you go, go, go all day long changing diapers, feeding, playing, consoling, laughing. Your life revolves around your child(ren). When they are older you suddenly become a taxi driver. In the past few years I have developed a deeper and more profound appreciation for my mom. I have always appreciated her and been grateful for all she did for me, but as the years go by, my realization of the incredible sacrifices she made for me for deepens. My mom worked full-time and had a decent commute. My brother and I had many activities pretty much every single evening. She would call us when she was pulling into the neighborhood and would tell us to meet her in the driveway. She would pull up, we would jump into the car, and her evening of driving us to and from our activities began. She would get home late, still dressed in her work clothes, and may or may not have had dinner (if she did eat, it was on the road). She made our lunches for the next day, probably picked up the house, maybe did some dishes, most likely told Chris and I to stop arguing (:)), and then went to bed, only to begin it all again the next day. I have a lump in my throat just thinking about it. Chris and I were/are so blessed. THANK YOU, MOM.



When you have a child your life becomes...more stressful..more worrisome..busier.


So, why? Why do we have a child/children?


Is it because they bring us indescribable joy? Yes. Is it because we have so much love to share? Yes. Is it because we want company as we grow older? Yes.


But is that all? Before Claire I would have thought that pretty much summed it up. But now I believe there are so many more reasons.


Here are two reasons that have been revealed to me in the last 12 weeks.



Having a child causes a deep and real realization of just how much God loves us.


I have always known that God loves me. But it's so tough to really understand just how much. We are told that He knows our name, He knows how many hairs are on our head, He knows our deepest dreams and fears-- but our human minds cannot completely fathom the love our Father has for us.

I can't describe how much I love Claire or how much I want to protect her. I told Josh the other day that sometimes when I think about how much I love her, I get actual pains in my stomach. His response? "Sometimes I cry".

I so badly want to protect her, to keep her healthy and happy, to prevent her from experiencing any discomfort or hardship. If I love her this much, then how much more does God love me? I love with a natural love, but He loves with a supernatural love. Our love is imperfect- our love is impacted by events and is not truly "unconditional". His love is, though. Each day that I have with Claire, I begin to more fully understand just how strong His love is for me. And this understanding is life-changing.

Having a child causes your heart to break

I have never felt stronger compassion for children than I have since Claire was born.

When she was maybe 6 weeks old, I watched part of "Finding Nemo" at my mom's house with her boyfriend's grandson. It was my first time seeing the movie. I only saw the end where Nemo was separated from his Daddy and was in the dentist's office. Nemo was playing dead because he didn't want the dentist to flush him down the drain. Nemo's Daddy came to the window and saw Nemo playing dead. He was heartbroken and left. Nemo saw his Daddy and tried to tell him he was just pretending but it was too late. I was so sad that it was all I could do to not cry. Yes, this is the same Whitney that people joke is heartless because I never, never, never cry at movies. Not even movies that are truly sad, unlike Finding Nemo. But I was touched by this event between the baby fish and the papa fish.

When Claire was just a couple weeks old I saw a special on some news show about children in Africa that are being convicted and punished for witchcraft. The society believes that the children are the reason their parents are facing economic hardship and if the children are "treated" (read: tortured) for witchcraft and then abandoned to live in the street by themselves, their parents will finally be released from their turmoil. Can you imagine??? Sometimes the kids are only two or three years old! Oh, my heart starts racing at the thought of it because it makes me so angry. I talked to my dad about it a few days later and he said he was watching the same show and had to turn it off because it was too horrible. I am furious about the injustice. Kids are so vulnerable, fragile, and completely dependent on their parents. For parents to hand their young children over to be tortured and then abandoned is unimaginable. And now that I am a parent myself, the rage I feel over the injustice is so much stronger. Yes, I have always been compassionate and have always been an advocate for children (which is why I have wanted to adopt an orphan since first visiting an orphanage in Ukraine when I was 16 years old) but now that I'm a mom, the feeling is just different. It's stronger.

I want to fight for justice for children. I want to teach Claire to be compassionate, to not be about self but to be about others, to truly and deeply care for the poor, the homeless, the mistreated. To not be consumed about who Jillian is going to choose on the Bachelorette or the latest J&K+8 drama, but to be consumed with being a passionate warrior for the Lord. This is who I want to be. And this is who I want her to be.

My favorite song for awhile has been "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath. It perfectly portrays this desire of mine to be in the world, but not of the world. My desire to see others, really see others, and the pain that they feel.... to look past what's on the surface and see the person underneath, the way that God sees each and every one of us. And to make a difference in the temporal and eternal life of others.

Here is the chorus:

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

I pray that as my love and care for Claire deepens, so will my resolve to improve the life of children. That may be done through donating more and more to Hope International, or by adopting one or more orphans, or by praying. Or all three!

So there are two reasons to have a child that I didn't realize until after Claire was born. Having a child causes a deep and real realization of just how much God loves us and having a child causes your heart to break. Now if I could only convince Josh to let us have three more instead of one more. :)