It Takes a Village

It takes a village to raise a child... or so they say. And I'm going with it.

Claire is incredibly fortunate to have many influential people in her lives... we live so close to family and good friends and I can't imagine it being any other way! She will grow up with adults, cousins, and friends that will nurture and develop her, hopefully into a well-rounded individual that is more about others than herself and calls Jesus her Lord and Savior. That is my hope and prayer at least.

I want to be the one molding, developing, teaching, and guiding her. I want to look back and be able to confidently say that I played an instrumental role in forming who she is today. And I think I will be- but maybe not the extent that I desire.

I just want and need more time with her. Now that she is ready for bed at 6PM and goes to bed by 6:45PM, I really don't spend any (quality, non-tantrum) time with her during the week. So I get 2 out of 7 days. And those 2 days are also spent running errands, seeing friends and family, cleaning, etc etc. 2/7 = not enough. But, it is what it is.

I recently proposed a thoughtful and thorough flexible work arrangement to my boss. Essentially I wanted to receive 20% less salary and work 4 eight hour days (Mon-Thur). Going into it, I thought my chances were 95% no/5% yes. He was surprisingly receptive and we had a great conversation about how my purpose in life is to build a family and help others rather than build a resume. I can't bring my career accomplishments with me to Heaven. He totally understood my desire for a little more work/life balance for a couple years, considering I have 30 years left to work! After our conversation I felt encouraged and thought my chances had improved to maybe 60% no/40% yes.

A week later he laid down the hammer and said no.

Flat out...no.

He gave me three reasons that were weak at best and I argued my point (we have a good relationship and open communication) and left it at that. I think he (maybe subconciously) is trying to protect me and do what he thinks is best for my career. He is molding my career and life according to his values, not according to mine.

For the time being, I am dropping it. I might have an opportunity for a different position in the next 6 months or so and I want to see where that goes. Depending on what happens, perhaps I'll look into going to a different part of Target where flexible work arrangements are more prevalent or I'll reintroduce my case and make a stronger appeal.

And in the meantime, I need to pray for peace and accept the fact that Claire will be raised by a village. And for the foreseeable future she will spend more time with one Grandma than she does with me. I tell myself that once she enters elementary school, it will be different. Josh and I will return to the most influential people in her life. It's just the first 5.5 years that we are not. I say this and I act all 'okay' and strong, but inside I'm not. The truth is, I feel more like a participant and spectator in Claire's life than her "person". She loves me and I will always be her mom and we'll have that special bond. But I just won't have the role that I so desire to have....and it breaks my heart.