I whole-heartedly believe that the most important relationship in my life is the one with my spouse. My relationship with him should be put above the children, my home, my job, everything. But it's not easy when I have a demanding job with a long commute, two young children, and a home to up-keep. In fact, sometimes it feels like he's put last.
Then there's the job. After 3 1/2 years of being a working mother, I still don't feel like I have even adjusted. How is that possible? I haven't known motherhood without working. Recently an acquaintance connected me with an expectant mother at Target. She met to talk about leadership development, career goals, leadership as a woman, etc. And instead, I talked with her about the baby she was about to birth, how miraculous and amazing the birth experience is, how I don't even know her but yet I am so excited for her to experience this joy. We talked about how difficult it is to come back to work and how that's perfectly okay. And it's perfectly okay if it's not overly difficult either, because while you adore your child and your role as a mother, being a Christ-follower in the workplace and growing where God has planted you, can be God's will for you too. Despite having just met, we forged an instant connection. As mothers (or soon-to-be).
Then, there is my role as a mother. I love my children with a ferocity and depth that I didn't know was possible four years ago. They are my joy, my smile, my heart. But when my two year-old cries for me at the door with his arms out-stretched, pleading, "don't go to work, Mommy, ANY MORE!" or when my three year old bawls while chanting, "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you" as I'm heading out the door for work, and I kneel down, embrace her in a bear hug and say, "I love you as much as ALL the stars in the sky" and she responds, "I love you just like that too", my heart breaks a little (or a lot). But then I know that they absolutely love spending the days with their loving Grandma, each other, and three of their little cousins, playing, doing projects, learning, forming life-long bonds with some of the people that will turn out to be the most important people in their lives and I think, wow, they are SO lucky. But then I think that ideally they would spend the day with me instead.
Then I try to be a good homemaker. Make good, healthy meals for my family, after working nine hours and commuting an additional two (or more). Keep my house clean and tidy, despite having two toddlers, a gazillion toys, and daycare at my house three days a week. Document memories in my photobooks, keep up with the laundry, pay the bills, make and attend the doctor appointments, the list goes on and on. And I feel like I'm barely hanging on. Like it's a house of cards.
THEN there's my friendships. My friendships are critically important to me. With life as busy as it is, I have to make intentional investments in my friendships. That means leaving my children and husband, after I have already been gone all day long, to have dinner and a glass of wine with my friends. It makes me more.... me. It's not only an investment in life-giving friendships, but it's an investment in my own wholeness. It's finding (making) time to maintain these relationships that I adore- whether it's catching up with a friend while working out on the elliptical at the nearby fitness center, or talking during my drive home, or sending an email to let them know that I'm thinking about them and oh-my-gosh-aren't-you-glad-Tierra-is-FINALLY-gone?! When Claire is desperate for more time with me, it is truly very hard to leave her to spend time with a friend, but I know that doing so is so important for me and makes me a better mother for her. And as she grows older, it will teach her the value these friendships with other women have in our lives.
There are other roles I play. Daughter, sister, servant for God. It's an understatement to say it's not easy to juggle it all. But here are some truths that I know:
1. I am not a perfect mother (far from it), but I am a perfect mother for them. If there is one thing that Claire and Max know, at the tender age of 2 and 3, it is that they are deeply, wholly, unconditionally loved by me. And that makes me know that I'm not failing.
2. I am not a perfect wife. I should be more patient, understanding, hold less expectations of how this should be. But I love my husband and am committed to doing this life thing with him for our eternity. I value our relationship and understand the importance of continually making investments in it. And I know that I'm not failing.
3. I am not a perfect employee. Sometimes I spend more time at work staring at pictures of my children on my phone than I should. But I am good at my job, I find it fulfilling, and I believe this is exactly where God wants me right now. And then I feel like I'm not failing.
4. My home could be cleaner. My closets could be less overflowing. I could feed my children one less meal of mac and cheese each week. I could display a little less stress. But my family is still fed, clothed, healthy, and loved. And I feel like I'm not failing.
5. Instead of just thinking about and praying for my friends, I could call them or send them a letter or email more often telling them so. I could offer more encouragement and spend more time just listening. But I keep trying and I keep investing. And I feel like I'm not failing.
Sometimes we just need to place less expectations on ourselves, ladies. If I was ONLY a wife, or ONLY an employee, I would probably have it mastered.
But none of us, not a single one of us, are only ONE thing.
And with all of the layers of our lives, we cannot have a single role mastered, let alone all of them. Sometimes, good enough is good enough. Heck, sometimes good enough is AMAZING and a huge achievement. Let's be less hard on ourselves and just keep trying our best. Let's be the world's okayest Mom, or employee, or homemaker.
That was a super long post and I don't know if anyone had the patience or interest in making it all the way through. I just felt led tonight to share these heartfelt thoughts.
And now, pictures of those precious children of mine.
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