Friends

I am...

...thankful I took this Mom and Baby class (Thanks Rachel! I wouldn't have done it without you!)

...grateful for the friendships that have formed

...amazed at how the babies are growing up!

July 2009

January 2010

January 2011

January 29th

January 29th.... we meet again.  I wrote about you here and here.  It's been three years.  It's hard to believe-- it seems so long ago yet the memories are still so alive.

I started a new book today and I paused to think after I read, "They say memory jolts awake with trauma's electricity".   That must be true, because my memories from that horrible day are still so fresh in my mind.  Actually, my memories from the first few days afterward too.

Someone close to me recently suffered a miscarriage and it made my heart break again.  I am convinced that once you lose a little life that was inside of you, you're never the same again.  It's as if you always walk with a slight limp.

This past week as January 29th approached, I reflected quite a bit on the event that shook me to my core.  Usually when I reflect I remember the pain and I feel for the far too many parents that also endure a loss.  But this year some different thoughts occupied my mind.  What really struck me was how impactful my miscarriage still is for me, even though it's been several years and I only knew the baby a very short while.  (by the way, I know "impactful" isn't a word but I really think it should be so I still use it frequently!  What are you supposed to say?  Full of impact?).

God provided us with an ability to love our children SO deeply that even after losing a baby we knew for only days, we are never again the same.  Thank you Jesus for this crazy love.  Thank you-- because even though this ability to love our babies so deeply makes losing one so painful, it also makes loving our children who we are blessed to parent the most unbelievable experience we can have here on earth.

“You give and take away; 

you give and take away; 

my heart will choose to say, 

Lord blessed be Your name”.

Lah You

Claire got a timeout tonight.  We were enjoying a very nice dinner- ceaser salad, spaghetti with homemade turkey meatballs, garlic bread and a little Cabernet.  We got a new highchair yesterday for Docken Daycare and Claire had too much fun putting her feet onto the table while sitting in it.  We continuously told her not to and she continuously pushed the limits so she found herself (crying) in timeout. 

Once she was back at the table (tears dried and nose wiped), I watched her eat her carrots and spaghetti and my tears started falling.  It's my last night of maternity leave and I am sad.

Josh said, "Claire, Mommy is very sad.  Tell her you love her".

Claire said, "Mom-E! Lah you".

It was the first time she said it.  I'm going to miss this girl. 

Complete

Why is it so hard to feel content being right where we are in life?  I find that I'm always looking toward the future, and I don't think I'm alone in this.

When I was engaged, I just wanted to be married.

When I live in an apartment, I wanted a house.

When I started grad school, I wanted to graduate.

When I was pregnant, I wanted the baby to be born.  

Why??  I try so hard to be content where I am-- to fully live in and appreciate the here and now- but I find that I fail again and again.

When Claire was a baby I truly cherished every day we had with her.  But I didn't feel complete.  I knew that we wanted another baby someday (I never thought it would be this soon!) and that feeling left me....not "whole".  I felt incomplete. I wondered, when will we have another baby? Will we need to pursue infertility treatments again?  Will I (God forbid) have another miscarriage? Will I have two daughters or a daughter and a son?

Then we were beyond blessed with Max.  And now.... now I feel more complete than I have in years.  I have my healthy, beautiful children.  We may or may not have more babies.  Only God knows for sure.  But I no longer feel like I'm waiting for the next thing.  And it feels good to feel complete.

Is she really my child?!

Our conversation when I got Claire out of her crib this morning:

Me (opening the door): Good morning honey!
C: Daddy!
Me: Daddy's at work honey.
C: Wort (work).....  Max!
Me: Yep, we'll go get Max.
C: Milt! (milk)  Lunch!  Cheese!!
Me: We'll go have breakfast.  We'll have oatmeal.
C: Cheese!  Cheese! Cheese!

Sigh....

First time on the potty = FAIL

Ready or not...

Auntie Becky recently said that the world wasn't ready for the cuteness of Claire in pigtails.  Well, ready or not, here she is!

It's not perfect because I had to put them in quickly! 

Yup, she's pretty cute! 

She's concentrating on taking the right one out. 

Got it! 

Now she's working on taking the other one out!  Darn!  Someday she'll leave them in.  

Resolutions

A friend of  mine on Facebook posted this article titled, "Trading One Dramatic Resolution for 10,000 Little Ones".   You should read it.  I did, and it reminded me of the blog post I wrote last February about sweating the details.  The author writes that most of us only make three or four momentous decisions in our lives.  He said, "you and I live in little moments, and if God doesn't rule our little moments and doesn't work to recreate us in the middle of them, then there is no hope for us, because that is where you and I live".

He argues that one grand resolution at the beginning of the year- to stop smoking, to lose weight, to be kinder to people, to spend less and save more- won't cause drastic and lasting change in our lives.  Soon it becomes February and the resolve has already lessened.  It's the little moments, the 10,000 little moments that one by one form our lives, that define us.  These little moments build and reveal our character.  As Paul Tripp puts it:

What leads to significant personal change?


10,000 moments of personal insight and conviction


10,000 moments of humble submission


10,000 moments of foolishness exposed and wisdom gained


10,000 moments of sin confessed and sin forsaken


10,000 moments of courageous faith


10,000 choice points of obedience


10,000 times of forsaking the kingdom of self and running toward the kingdom of God


10,000 moments where we abandon worship of the creation and give ourselves to worship of the Creator.



So as we enter 2011 and the hope of new beginnings shines bright, my focus is on the little moments in my life.  I will try to always be kind when I speak to my husband, be patient when my daughter is yanking on my leg and whining "MOMMY!!!" for the hundredth time as I attempt to cook dinner, and be an authentic Christian around my friends.  There's no doubt I will fail many times a day, but that's what grace is for! Each day can be a new beginning. 

Max at 2 months old

This kid kills me!  He's just too stinkin' cute.

At 2 months old, Max:

• Sleeps SO MUCH BETTER!!  I am so thankful for this!  We put him down when we go to bed (usually between 9:30-10:30), he wakes up around 3AM to eat, goes back down between 20 minutes to 1 hour later, and then will sleep another 2-4 hours before waking up for the day! I feel rested and it feels great.  I get pretty tired still in the evenings but I think that has more to do with keeping up with the babies all day. 
• Nurses every 2-3 hours during the day.  
• Weighs 11 lbs 7 oz (50th %) and is 21 1/2 inches long (5th %).  Short and chubby.   His head is in the 50th-75th percentile.
• Is super smiley.  Just look at that picture above- that's what I get to see all day long. :)  He loves attention and will reward anyone who talks to him with a big smile.  His pediatrician said "he smiles with his whole face".  He gets a kick out of Claire already.
• Is lazy at tummy time.  Claire hated tummy time so she kicked her legs and lifted her head high.  It's probably why she rolled over before she was 3 months old!  Max, on the other hand, just lays there with his head resting on the floor.  It'll be interesting to see when he rolls over. 
• Likes to see you and be near you, but will also play on his activity mat by himself for awhile.
• Isn't a big fan of the swing.
• Naps constantly throughout the day. He doesn't have a routine or schedule yet.  He'll be up for 2-3 hours after he wakes up in the morning, but that's the extent of his consistency.  
• Still has his dark hair and blue eyes! I'd love for him to keep that combo!  He is getting a receding hairline.  
• Is a Cuddler!!!  Even at this age, Claire preferred to be away from your body and taking in the world around her.  Max, on the other hand, prefers to be snuggled close and staring at your face.  Love it. 

Oh Claire, you make me laugh!

Claire is so full of personality, which can be hard  for some people to see because she's also very shy!  Those that are close to her get to see her fun little quirks.  Here are a few (so I don't ever forget!).

She has great verbal skills and I'm almost certain she doesn't have the speech impediment I grew up with.  Her annunciation is very clear.  She says some words perfectly, like: garbage, purple, Kirby, buh-bye, monster. 
Other words she shortens or just makes up completely different ones.
Lotion = loshe
Max = MAKsssssssssssss
Socks = hots
Yogurt = yote
Milk = milt
Raisens = ees
Cheerio = cheerio-io-io

She loves to LAUGH!  I think we've spent half of my maternity leave laughing.  She loves to be tickled, but other simple things make her laugh too, like just a simple look we give each other.  I LOVE to laugh with her! 

I have some special foot lotion.  In the morning she goes into our bathroom, opens the top drawer, fishes around semi-blindly until she finds the foot lotion, and then plops on the ground.  She'll take her socks (hots) off and say, "Mommy!  Losh!!".  So we put lotion on our four feet. :) 

She likes to call Josh by his first name.  This morning Josh went to work late.  When Claire woke up she knew he was here but didn't know where, so she walked around the house yelling, "Josh!  Josh!!". (She still calls him daddy too. :))

She's a good little helper for me.  After I change Max's diaper I'll ask her to go throw it away.  She grabs it, walks or runs into the kitchen and says "Garbage!" and throws it away.  Once in awhile she doesn't want to and when I ask her to throw it away, she'll look at me all innocently and say in her sweet little voice, "No".

Just some fun Claire stories!

Why I Work

"The decision to have a child is momentous- it is to forever decide to have your heart walk outside your body".  (I forget who said it).

Three weeks from today I'll be returning to work.  I knew from my experience with my last maternity leave that it would go way too fast-- and it did.  I have truly loved every moment with my little loves (okay, maybe not every moment- but close!).  It wasn't a walk in the park.  It was a heck of a lot more work than my leave with Claire.  But it was wonderful.  And I am so, so sad it is ending. But before I get all woe is me, I decided to reflect on the positive reasons why I work.  Here they are (I'm sure this isn't all inclusive, as I'm trying to think and type quickly because I suspect both kiddos will be waking up from their naps soon!).

1) Ministry
Ministry isn't just for Pastors, people. I believe that I perform ministry every day of my life.  Seeing that I spend almost 2/3 of my waking time at work, I certainly hope and believe I do ministry there too.  If those I work with closely (or maybe not so closely too) don't know where my hope lies, then I am simply failing.  Here are some biblical insights on work:

• New Testament – Of Jesus’ 132 public appearances in the NT, 122 were in the marketplace / workplace.
• Of 52 parables Jesus told, 45 had a workplace context. Of 40 divine interventions recorded in Acts, 39 were in the marketplace / workplace.
• Jesus spent his adult life as a carpenter until age 30 before he went into a preaching ministry in the workplace. Jesus called 12 workplace individuals, not clergy, to build His church.
• Work is Worship - The Hebrew word "Avodah" is the root for the word from which we get the words work and worship.
• Work in its different forms is mentioned more than 800 times in the Bible, more than all the words used to express worship, music, praise, and singing combined.
• “54% of Jesus’ reported teaching ministry arose out of issues posed by others” in the scope of daily life experience. – Lewis and Lewis, LICC

2) Providing for my family
We simply cannot afford for me to not work.  My working allows us to live a very comfortable life.  We have a beautiful house, two safe, reliable, nice vehicles, we can go out to eat occassionally, and buy some fun toys once in awhile.   By working, we'll be able to take our kids to Disneyworld someday, enroll them in soccer and dance, buy them a trumpet for the 4th grade band.  Our kids will also live a comfortable life.

3) Teaching Claire and Max
My mom was always a working mom and I am so proud of what she accomplished.  She never missed a band concert, a parent/teacher conference, and she always drove us to our many activities almost every night of the week.  I don't remember ever feeling like my daycare provider "raised" me.  She was my mom.  And I learned from her that women can be strong, independent individuals that are every bit as successful and intelligent as men.  This knowledge is what I hope to instill in Max and Claire as well. 

4) Stimulation
I like my job.  I like Target.  I like using my brain and making strategic decisions that have a real financial and/or operational impact (the work that the team of 6 I manage did this year saved Target over $17 million!).  I like putting my extensive education to use.  I enjoy my co-workers and boss. 

So, return to work I will.  And I will miss my babies more intensely than I will be able to describe.  But I know that this is what is necessary and best for my family!  They'll be in good hands.