January 29th

January 29th.... we meet again.  I wrote about you here and here.  It's been three years.  It's hard to believe-- it seems so long ago yet the memories are still so alive.

I started a new book today and I paused to think after I read, "They say memory jolts awake with trauma's electricity".   That must be true, because my memories from that horrible day are still so fresh in my mind.  Actually, my memories from the first few days afterward too.

Someone close to me recently suffered a miscarriage and it made my heart break again.  I am convinced that once you lose a little life that was inside of you, you're never the same again.  It's as if you always walk with a slight limp.

This past week as January 29th approached, I reflected quite a bit on the event that shook me to my core.  Usually when I reflect I remember the pain and I feel for the far too many parents that also endure a loss.  But this year some different thoughts occupied my mind.  What really struck me was how impactful my miscarriage still is for me, even though it's been several years and I only knew the baby a very short while.  (by the way, I know "impactful" isn't a word but I really think it should be so I still use it frequently!  What are you supposed to say?  Full of impact?).

God provided us with an ability to love our children SO deeply that even after losing a baby we knew for only days, we are never again the same.  Thank you Jesus for this crazy love.  Thank you-- because even though this ability to love our babies so deeply makes losing one so painful, it also makes loving our children who we are blessed to parent the most unbelievable experience we can have here on earth.

“You give and take away; 

you give and take away; 

my heart will choose to say, 

Lord blessed be Your name”.