I Can Only Imagine

Annie asked for the addresses to the blogs I posted yesterday.  Annie, if you scroll down, you'll find links to the blogs on the right hand side under the "About Us" section.

I forgot to share another blog that I love. It's written by Molly Piper, the daugther-in-law of John Piper, who is a well-known Pastor, speaker, and author.  Molly is the mother of 5 children.  Her second baby, a little girl, was born stillborn at full-term.  I read a post of hers last week titled, "When you want to say, 'I can't imagine', just try". 

She wrote:

When we say to grieving people, “Oh, I can’t imagine” we might be saying “I don’t want to imagine.”

Real love gets into the trenches of grief and suffering. It imagines. It lets it’s mind’s eye linger. Real love will not avert its eyes. It won’t say, “Your disaster is too much for me.”

Molly says that the alternative is to say, "I can only imagine". 

So, tonight I am imagining.

As I was driving home from work today, my brother called.  He said that Ben and Jen lost their baby today.  Ben is his best friend, and someone I have known most of my life.  Their baby girl is due April 2nd, just three short weeks from now.  It was their first child and they, along with their families, were bursting with excitement and anticipation. 




December 2009 in Florida.  Jen is on the bottom right, in the scarf. Ben is the tall dude on the right.


Tonight my heart is breaking for them. I cannot stop thinking about Jen, Ben, and their family.

I remember what it was like to wait in anticipation for your first born.  For March to come and be able to say that our baby girl is coming next month! 

I remember the weather turning from winter to spring and knowing that it meant the time was coming. I  remember taking long walks in the brisk air, hoping it would make her come sooner. 

I remember beginning the weekly doctor appointments.  Wondering if today would be the day.

I remember feeling less movement than usual and shaking my belly while saying, "C'mon, Claire!  Wake up and kick for Mommy!".  I remember the relief when I would feel the first movement after she had been still. 

But now I can only imagine.

I can only imagine shaking my belly and urging her to kick, only to continue to feel stillness. 

I can only imagine going to my doctor appointment and hearing that she is gone.

I can only imagine being induced and going through labor and delivery, knowing that I wouldn't hear my baby cry when she was born.

I can only imagine my milk coming in.....and not having a baby to nourish.

I can only imagine my daughter being placed in a casket...rather than in her crib.

I can only imagine going home with an empty womb and empty arms. 

As I was crying tonight through dinner (Claire kept saying, "Cry....  sad...  cry.... mama..."), I realized three things:

1. Jesus knew

2. Jesus was there

3. Jesus could have written a different ending

Jesus knew.....

When Jen took her pregnancy test and squelled in excitement, Jesus knew that she would never lock eyes with her daughter.  When Jen and Ben found out it was a girl and they dreamed about their life with a little girl, Jesus knew that they would never hear her soft voice. All of her days had already been written. 

Jesus was there...

Just last Saturday when Jen had a baby shower at her mom's house, Jesus was there. When they talked about what she would look like, what day she would come (it could be any day!  She was due in just 3 weeks!), how her delivery would go, Jesus was there.  He saw. 

Jesus could have changed the outcome...

Their daughter didn't have to die.  Jesus knew about the passionate love they already contained for their daughter....he was there through every milestone in the pregnancy.... he could have allowed her to be born strong and healthy.

And yet he didn't.   We're left questioning why. 

Why, Lord?!?!  Why did she have to die??

All I know how to do is pray.  They will be delivering her this weekend.  I am praying for strength during labor and delivery, for clarity while they spend time with her after birth, as it will be the only time they ever get.  I am praying for their marriage, for it to withstand this tragedy.  I am praying, above else, for Jen and Ben, and their families, to draw on Jesus and cling to Him.  I don't know how else they will survive. 

If you could, please join me in praying for Jen, Ben, and their precious baby girl.  Join me in imagining. 

Her name is Kylie Elaine.