Train up a child in the way he should go,
even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6
Yesterday I found myself observing a Facebook debate. The question posted by the former Youth Director of our former church was, "Okay parents, I need your help: putting a bar of soap in a kids mouth for profanity- good or bad?". To provide context, she has a sweet 2 year old daughter. I was amazed at first at the number of people, both male and female, that heralded this form of discipline as effective and admirable. It later evened out and many spoke out in disapproval. Some of my favorite comments, from both sides of the issue (there were 27 comments in all):
Bad. Child remembers the treatment and not the cause. Look at the 'why' of the behavior. Is the child trying to get your attention? Ignore the behavior - negative reinforcement is still reinforcing for attention.
happened to me when I was growing up and I ended up somewhat normal. I tell you what, after getting one taste of that icky soap, i didn't do it again (at least not in front of my parents).
Where do you draw the line? What about pouring hot sauce in their mouth? COMPLETELY inappropriate IMO...is soap much different?
I'm with the NO camp. No 2 year old knows the meaning of those words in the first place, regardless of where they have heard them. I can't even imagine putting soap in one of my kids mouths - it is NOT a logical consequence!! Be sure that you are modeling the language that you want and teach your daughter that certain words aren't acceptable in your home.
I'll amend my answer now that I know the age...
While we don't have our discipline approach completely figured out (and I'm sure it will change as our children age) I am thankful that Josh and I agree on one thing: we will not use physical punishment as discipline for our children. This includes hitting our children ("spanking"), putting soap in their mouth, or anything else that inflicts physical pain or discomfort. I'm sure we'll be tested. Already, I can see how parents get to the point where they want to physically discipline their child. But I think it's a choice. I think parents are the adults and can make a decision in the moment.
I believe that the purpose of discipline is to build character. As parents we are to be role models. How hard would it be to understand in my little two or three year old mind that my parents can hit me but I can't hit my sister? I know that my oldest is only two years old and I haven't reached the age yet where hitting or other forms of physical punishment feel like the most effective, or only, way to end behavior that is out of control or dangerous. And I fully admit that I am certain there will be times that I will face temptation. But Josh and I are making a conscious choice to use other methods for shaping our children's behavior and I know we will hold each other accountable. I am not saying that parents who use physical punishment for discipline are wrong, at long as it could not be considered abuse. Using more logical, consequence-focused, and respectful forms of behavior-correction is just a decision we have made as parents . To be sure, as our children grow, we will learn and make mistakes, but most importantly, we will prayerfully approach our enormous responsibility to shape these little people into respectful and self-disciplined individuals that understand the consequences of their decisions.
2 comments:
This is interesting. So many different opinions. I personally cannot imagine using soap as a method of discipline for a 2 year old. Maybe a 5 year old (if I used it at all).
I agree with you on physical discipline. But I do think there are places for it and even at 2 & 3. For example: Isaiah ran off at Menard's about a month ago. It took us what felt like forever to find him. I even asked for help from staff and other people around. It was terrifying. When we found him I had a very small window of time to ensure that Isaiah understood how SEVERE this was. He ran up to me smiling, thinking we were playing a fun game of hide & seek. I spanked him. I spanked him hard. I spanked him hard in front of other people. He cried, hard.
My son could have been taken from me. I explained to him in that moment that by doing what he did he could have never seen his sister, mommy or daddy again. As an almost 3 year old I'm not sure that he could comprehend what I was saying. But with the spanking, I know that he knew what he did was wrong. And he still talks about (a month later) how we do not run away from mommy & daddy while shopping.
I will not spank him to discipline behavior issues. I will not spank to discipline a hit. But if he could severely hurt himself or another person, it may (depending on the situation) merit a spank.
Whitney, I was of your exact same mindset as a beginning parent. However as situations warrant, I have used a spanking as
1 - a way to get it through to Cade that I mean business, and
2 - a way to bring him back to reality from an out-of-control tantrum
...and never in anger! Only as a consequence.
That being said, spankings are always followed by a long hug and an explanation when he's calm. I never feel good about it, but sometimes it just has to be done. You will certainly find what works for your family (I hope Claire and Max never need spankings!), and I applaud the commitment you and Josh have for being a "united front."
Also, my parents used black pepper on my tongue when I stuck it out at my brothers. Now I love black pepper! Ha!
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