My Holland

Have you heard this story before?  I've heard it several times in the context of parents with children who have special needs.  I am incredibly blessed to have healthy children, and God willing, I pray they stay that way.  While I cannot relate to parenting a child with special needs, I have my own little version of Holland.  I think, in some way, we all do.  Whether it's our marriage, our own health, our children, a dream we had for our life, we all have something that looks quite a bit different than we imagined.

Welcome to Holland

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

I have two cases of Holland in my life. And one is regarding my family, my immediate family.  My parents' divorce is the most painful thing I have ever endured.  Painful doesn't even begin to describe the experience we had, and the pain we continue to feel.  I never imagined having divorced parents and having separate holiday celebrations and new significant others (or other, in my case) in my life.  While it's not Italy, I've found that Holland is pretty darn terrific.  

I am so thankful for Brad and his children and grandchildren.  We are so blessed to have them in our lives.  

I adore this picture.


If it weren't for Holland, Claire wouldn't have this precious friend in her life.








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This weekend we had an awesome evening at my Mom and Brad's house.
Brad's daughter, Shayla, and her family was there and so were our friends, the Fords.
My brother and Becky and Bailey were there too.
We were celebrating Brad's birthday.
We literally laughed for hours.
It was so good to be outside and relax and eat and talk and laugh.
It made me really thankful for my Holland.

Claire's 4th birthday party

Claire's fourth birthday party was on Saturday.  Honestly, she'd rather it be someone else's birthday party so she can just be an attendee and not the center of attention.  But alas, the focus is on her one day each year.

She wanted the colors to be pink and purple.  I asked her if she wanted cupcakes or a cake and she answered, "I want a cake, with pink frosting, and pink and purple sprinkles!"


(I made my famous cookie dough truffles because certain adult attendees count on them.)

So that's exactly what she got!  Good thing I did a trial run last Wednesday because the second attempt turned out much better!


Max looked dashing in his pink polo.  Could they pass for twins?


Such a baby guy, he took a break from the action to give Maverick some loving.


Without me even asking, Claire told me she wanted to wear a pink shirt with purple ruffles on the bottom for her party.  It was a tall order but Nana pulled through!  (Side note- Claire has decided to give Nana a nickname and now calls her "Nan". It's hilarious.)


I die for this boy.


It is so fun and easy to host the party at her gymnastics center! And a total bonus that I got a half-price deal for it!


Brody, Claire, and Kiera walking across the balance beam.  Claire is 9 days older than Kiera and 9 months older than Brody.









Claire made it known for several days leading up to the party that she did not want anyone to sing "Happy Birthday" to her.  During her first birthday party, our singing made her bawl so perhaps there is residual trauma?  So instead, we all just said "Happy Birthday Claire" on the count of three.  You can see she still wasn't so pleased.


But once Brody and Cambrie joined her, she was all smiles again.


Ami told me that Brody is going to insist on chaperoning Claire's first date.  I hope and pray they will always have a close relationship as they grow older.


Sweet Landon! I just love this kid.  He has such a fun personality and is obsessed with his best pals "Hair" and "Mac" (Claire and Max).

4 days

What a difference four days makes!

Last Monday, April 22nd looked like this:

And Tuesday, April 23rd looked like this.


Miraculously, Friday, April 26th is looking like this!




We had Claire's 4 year well-visit appointment this morning.  She has gained one pound in six months and is holding strong in the "less than 3rd percentile" for weight.  Her Doctor said that she's had a significant growth spurt in height this past year and has now reached the 10th percentile for height! They made a liar out of me because I had told Claire she wouldn't get any shots and she had to get two. :(  Now having to break THAT news to your child is NOT fun.  Fortunately, we went straight from the appointment to the MN Zoo to meet up with Ami, Briggs and Everleigh.  I think only Minnesotans understand just how incredible it feels to experience warmth and sunshine after this long winter.



This picture is out of focus but I still love the look of joy and sunshine on her face!








Ami and I were not pleased to find our boys sleeping in their strollers.  We are both fanatical about keeping the kids awake on the drive home from outings, in order to preserve the cherished afternoon nap.  The sun and fresh air were just too much for them.


When I was pushing Max I thought he was just leaning forward to get a good look but turns out he was sleeping!


Tomorrow is Claire's birthday party and on Sunday I'm co-hosting a baby shower so I have a lot to do in the next 24 hours!  Have a great weekend!

Angry

It's one of those moments where you feel entirely unequipped to parent in the moment.  Do I shield her from the realities of our fallen world?  Do I let her continue to live in her world of childhood innocence? Do I use it as a teaching moment, in words she may find a way to understand?

Josh took Monday off to work on a house project.  When I got home from work I spoke with him about the horror in Boston- he had no idea.  Claire happened to be right there and picked up that I was talking about something important, so it, of course, piqued her interest.

"What happened, Mommy? What happened?", she innocently asked.

I looked at her sweet three (I'm in denial it's almost four) year old innocence and dilemma struck.

I went with my gut.

"Honey," I gently said, "someone made a really bad decision today.  Someone decided to hurt a lot of people.  The people are going to the hospital and the doctors will make them feel all better.  But we're sad that  people got hurt."

She's just beginning to learn that about evil.  Last Sunday night my dad, Josh and I were deep in conversation during dinner.  Out of nowhere, Claire blurted out, "SATAN IS BAD!!"

I wasn't sure how she would respond to my explanation of the Boston tragedy.  Would she respond with fear? I didn't think so.  You see, she has no understanding of mortality.  In fact, we often talk about events that occurred before she was born. She always asks, "Where was I?" and I'll say it happened before she was born.  "So then I was in your tummy, right?"  "If I wasn't in your tummy, than where was I?!"  In her mind, she has always been alive- either here presently or in my tummy.  So I didn't think she would be scared, for she has always known people to be okay. She hasn't known death.

Would she be indifferent?  That would be entirely age-appropriate, but I didn't think it would be the case for her.

Her response somewhat surprised me.  Her face immediately got hardened and she forcefully said, "I am ANGRY!!!  I am ANGRY that someone hurt people!  You're not supposed to hurt people!"

During dinner fifteen minutes later, she interrupted our conversation and again said, "I am just so ANGRY!  I am ANGRY at that person!  He hurt people!"

I acknowledged that I was angry too, but that all of the people would get their owwies healed.

She's already beginning to understand injustice.

And I pray she always responds to injustice with anger.  With the type of anger that produces a response.

A response to change that which stirs her anger.

I pray that she will understand, care about, and respond to injustice.

The type of injustice that allows for 1 in 3 children to live without adequate shelter.  That allows 1 in 5 children to live without access to safe water.  The injustice that allows 1.4 million children to die annually from lack of access to safe drinking water and sanitation.

I pray that she is ANGRY that there are 27 million people in modern-day slavery across the world.

I pray that she knows and cares that already 923 million people worldwide are undernourished and there are more than 9 million deaths related to hunger each year.  NINE MILLION! There's enough food!  Enough for us all.  We just have a problem with distribution.

It's crazy.  My mind cannot even comprehend.

While the statistics are depressing, responding in action feels empowering.  There are so many ways to do it.  Personally, Josh and I give our time, talent, and treasure.  We support HOPE International financially, we serve HOPE through the Midwest Board of Directors.  I speak with almost anyone that will listen about my passion to eradicate global poverty.  In fact, I found three opportunities at work just this week- during my welcome lunch with my new department at work, at my leadership development course today with the Senior Leaders in my division, and on a "Get to know you" document.  And I seek teachable moments with my children.

Part of me has wondered if I did the right thing by telling Claire, in general terms, about the Boston bombing.  Even days later she was bringing up the topic again.  But I am proud of her response.  I see the little internal moral compass that God has developed within her.  And I pray that God keeps nourishing her source of compassion so that she will be a world-changer.


In other news, my latest song obsession is "Lord, I need you" by Matt Maher.  Can't get enough. Suggest you check it out (and have I mentioned how much I love Spotify?).

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Jumping in

Claire loves to jump.  She jumps every chance she gets. Claire makes Max lie down and she jumps over him.  So far, no casualties.  She rolls up the large rug in her bedroom and gets a few last jumps in before bed.

So I captured her today in her jumping phase, so it can be remembered.



I also like the other little details of these pictures.  Like, the pink cowgirl boots she's obsessed with.  And the skinny jeans that aren't all that skinny on her tiny frame.  And the pink cupcake shirt she's wearing, which she wears all the time.  I'm pretty sure she loves it because of the cupcake and not because it says "Birthday Girl" on it.  She's not really an attention seeker.



JUMP!


Last Friday when we were driving to the zoo, we were listening to some song on KTIS (Christian radio).  Claire asked, "Mommy, what does 'faithful' mean?"  I thought for a few seconds and said, "It means that God is always with us".  She thoughtfully responded, "oh.....God is always with us....." There was a long pause and then Max blurted, "Mommy, what does 'OH MY GOSH' mean???" Buzzkill!

Claire's been stumping me lately with how to respond to her.  The other night she was lamenting that the owwie on her finger still wasn't better.

"Mommy, I prayed for God to heal my finger.  Why isn't He healing it?  Can He not hear me?", she asked me.

"God can ALWAYS hear you honey, but sometimes it just takes some time for our owwies to heal", I responded.

She thought for awhile and said, "Is he not healing me because he's too busy healing other kids?"

I swear she asks me these questions at the very end of the day, when only this question and the bedtime routine stands between me and watching Dancing with the Stars on my couch.

Speaking of jumping, tomorrow I'm jumping, figuratively speaking, into a new job with Target.  I'm back downtown Minneapolis, which, during all seasons other than winter, is actually a longer commute for me.  Last week was rough, with telling my team and saying goodbye to many friends I've known since I started my career in that area almost nine years ago.  I even cried, multiple times, in front of my team.  I might write a post on this goodbye and words that were shared with me later this week.

Have a good week!