Thoughts on What Not to Say

I recently read a post on a blog from a family that has adopted three children. The blog was on etiquette- what not to say to adoptive parents. It was enlightening and I read etiquette 'rules' that hadn't crossed my mind before. For example, this adoptive mom said to not say anything regarding "the kid(s) are sooo lucky to have you", because this makes the kids and parents feel like they were rescued/ or did the rescuing.

It got me thinking to some things that people have said to me or others who have struggled with infertility or pregnancy loss. I thought I would share a couple of my ideas of what not to say to these women. Without having gone through it, a very well-intentioned and kind-hearted person can say these things just because they don't know that they shouldn't. So this is my opinion of what you may want to steer away from. Take it for what its worth. :)

1. Maybe it isn't God's will/Maybe this isn't God's timing
Anything to this effect is not helpful and will likely hurt someone's feelings. One in six couples have infertility. For most, infertility comes with a specific medical diagnosis. Without medical assistance, most of these couples would not be able to conceive a child. If someone has a brain tumor, no one would recommend to them to wait it out and see what happens because it must be God's will for them. No, they would treat the tumor. It's the same thing with infertility. I think it should never be assumed that someone with infertility was deemed to not have a biological child by God.

2. Relax and it will happen
This is probably the #1 worst comment. Infertility causes stress. Stress doesn't cause infertility. I was told by a couple people after we announced our second pregnancy that, "See? You just needed to relax and it would happen on it's own". Again, for most, infertility is a medical problem that isn't cured with relaxation. I was just as stressed this winter when baby #2 came into existance as I was the years that we were trying on our own or going through treatments.

3. Adopt and you will get pregnant OR pregnancy cured your infertility
Some people who begin the adoption process do become pregnant but this is definitely the exception, not the rule. Also, being pregnant once (like I was with Claire) doesn't cure infertility.

4. When are you going to have a baby?
This is painful for both women with infertility and with women who have miscarried. I was asked this question many times after my miscarriage and it tore me up each time. You never know what someone is dealing with so it's just safer to stay away from this question all together. If they want to share this personal aspect of their life with you, let them take the lead.

5. To someone that miscarried: At least you know you CAN get pregnant
I got this several times after I miscarried and it hurt me each time. Yes, I know I can get pregnant, but I don't know if my body can support a full-term pregnancy. And to be able to get pregnant but miscarry over and over would be too painful to endure. Fortunately, for me, that wasn't the case, but for some women, it sadly is. I was filled with more fear after my miscarriage then I was beforehand, when I "only" had to deal with infertility.


I genuinely hope this is helpful to someone. People with very good intentions can mistakenly say the 'wrong' things, just by being unaware. The best thing you can do for someone who has infertility or had a miscarriage is to just hug them, love them, and listen to them.