Why is it so hard to build a family?

Right now, it seems to me like the only way it's easy to build a family is if you're a high-school kid on prom night.  But if you're educated, established, own a home, married, financially stable?  Nope, no Easy Button for you.

I know several women right now that are pregnant, were recently pregnant or are trying to get pregnant. 

Here's the rundown.

Laurie is due on May 20th with a healthy baby boy- praise the Lord!

Jen lost her baby at the beginning of March at 37 weeks gestation.  Kylie Elaine's funeral is set for next week.

A family member of mine lost her first baby at 12 weeks in January and is trying again to conceive.

A friend of mine has tried for six months or so without results, and is just longing for that pink line.

A friend of mine at work has battled infertility for the past year, and will find out on Monday if her second IUI (what we used to conceive Claire.. an interuterine insemination) was successful.

Another friend of mine at work is 14 weeks pregnant with her first and was told a couple weeks ago that her baby will be stillborn or will pass away shortly after birth.

If you're counting, that's one positive out of six.  Why?!  Why does it have to be so hard to have a healthy baby?   I can only imagine (and in some cases, I can imagine as I experienced it myself, although it is different for each person) the pain these women are feeling.  The fear of the unknown.  I can only imagine making the decision to carry your child to term knowing he or she will die, except for a miracle from God.  I look at my two beautiful children and wonder why I am so blessed and fortunate to be given the gift of mothering them.  God is Soveriegn, this I know.  But sometimes it is so hard to see how He can make good out of some of these circumstances.  When my friend at work cries about the future of her unborn baby and I compassionately express that I believe God can still heal, I honestly wonder how I could cope in this situation, even though I have hope in my Lord.  I remember when Josh and I went to Savannah the month before Claire was conceived.  It's hard to explain, but I honestly felt like a mother that was just on vacation without her child.  I think that when we long for a baby so strongly, the heart of a mother is created within us and we begin a deep love affair with our child who is yet to be.  It gives us a glimpse of the intensity with which we will love our children. 

No, I don't know why it is so hard.  And if you know me, you'll know by now that I do NOT believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe there's unequivocally a reason that Kylie stopped breathing just weeks before she was to be born.  But I do believe wholeheartedly that our Savior can make good out of these tragic situations.  And my prayer, each and every night, is for all of these women.  I pray for God's will to be done in their lives, and for it to be better than they could even imagine.

Here is a poem that I believe applies to all of these women.  Author unknown. (And no, I don't think women who experience infertility or loss are better mothers than those who don't). 

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

April 25th, 2011- Claire's 2nd Birthday

Claire had a wonderful second birthday.  She was FINALLY feeling better after having a fever for three days, which made for some long days and nights (not to mention a dramatic birthday party, but more on that in another post).  Josh and I both took the day off and were so thrilled to have terrific weather.

 We had lunch at her (and our family's) favorite joint....Noodles!!  Josh and Claire share the Mac and Cheese and I found a new favorite- the Mmmmmmeatball Duo.  Max always chills quietly in his carseat.   

  Then we went to the Minnesota Zoo to see the farm babies.  Claire kept saying, "Papa cows!  Papa cows!".  

 She ran around and looked and acted goofy.  Got all sweaty and oily from the sunscreen (I LOVE that there's a need for sunscreen!).  Just having a ball. 

We visited the chickens and roosters. 

Claire got a special treat and shared a chocolate milkshake with me and Josh.  Max rolled around, happy to be outside. 

After a second nap at home, we went to Nana and Brad's house for dinner.  We started with an Easter egg hunt. 

The silly Easter bunny put tomatoes in the Easter eggs!  He also put in animal crackers and Cheerios. 

TOMATOES!  C'mon silly Easter bunny!  

After a delicious meal, which happened to be one of Josh's favorites, we (Uncle Chris and Aunt Becky were there too!) sang Happy Birthday to Claire. 

She tried a small bite of the cupcake and then pushed it away.  She decided to eat what the Easter bunny left her.  The animal crackers, that is.  Then she topped it off with strawberries.  That's my girl!

What a fun day we had celebrating our precious girl.  We love you, Sweetie Pie! 

Happy 2nd Birthday, Sweet Girl

My dearest Claire Elizabeth,

God knew and loved you long before you came to be.  When Mommy and Daddy wanted a baby so very badly, Mommy daily prayed for God to bless us with the perfect baby for us (not a perfect baby, but a perfect baby for us).  I prayed for a baby that would sweeten all of our days and bring unending joy into our lives.  And boy, did He pull through.  We loved you before we knew you.  You were prayed for and loved by Aunts, Uncles, Grandmas, Grandpas, and especially your Mommy and Daddy before you were even born.  And now, two years later, we can't imagine how we could possibly love you any more.

You are a true sweetheart.  You never show sibling rivalry and you shower Max with kisses and affection.  You are patient and show wisdom, even in your young age.  Mr. Aaron comments each week at gymnastics on how much patience and understanding you show when you quietly stand back and let all of the other kids anxiously get stamps on their hands and feet, while you wait calmly to be the very last child to receive the stamps.  You believe in equality.  You always want Brody and Max to have the same treatment as you, whether its food, toys, outings, or anything else.  I can sense that you will stick up for your younger cousins and brother for years to come.

You are so smart.  You know most of your ABCs, say about a gazillion words (although "yes" isn't one of them... how can that be?!), and are stringing sentences together.  You love to laugh and giggle and keep us giggling constantly too.  Just today when we were driving to lunch, you said from the backseat, "Hurry UP Daddy!" with the appropriate amount of attitude too!  You are so petite but I know that I will keep telling you what my Mom always told me.... dynamite comes in small packages.  You sure are dynamite, Claire, and I love that about you.  You are shy, yet brave, kind, yet strong-willed, funny, yet easily embarrassed.

I love you with everything that I am.  I pray daily for God to show me how to be the best mother that I can be to you, how to build your character through discipline, how to teach you about Jesus and all that He did for you.  Because, sweet Claire, although I have many dreams for your life to come, the one thing that I long for most is for you to know Jesus as your Savior.  We only have you here on Earth for just a blink of an eye. And I promise you that you will be loved for an eternity.

Love,
Mommy

Little Mama

Before dinner tonight, we were all hanging out in the porch.  When Claire saw the Twins baseball game on TV, she raised her arms in the air and screamed, "TOUCHDOWN!!!".   Good try, sister.

Then she sat down on her chair with her little baby, lifted her shirt, and fed her baby.  Josh and I tried but couldn't help but chuckle.  After dinner she did it again and I luckily had my camera this time.

What a good little mama!

Tomorrow starts a four day weekend for me!  We're going to the Children's Museum with Ami and Everleigh tomorrow morning.  In the afternoon, Nana's coming over to help me prepare for Claire's birthday party, which is Saturday.  Josh and I both have Monday, Claire's birthday, off and hope to go to the zoo if it's warm enough so we can see the farm babies!  LOVE!

Dinnertime Solution

When we get home from work, our crazy hectic evening begins.  Nurse, make dinner, eat, do dishes, do bath (every other night), nurse again, pajamas, and rocking, all between 5:30 and 7:00 PM.  We chat with Annie for a few minutes and say goodbye to Brody and Bethanie.  I either nurse Max immediately, or get dinner started and then feed him.  

Both babies inevitably want to be held.  One cries, "Hold you Mommy! Mommy, hold you!" and the other just cries.  Since I can hold either one or none while making dinner (Daddy tries to help but only one will let him hold them during this time), whining, crying, tantrums, and such, ensue. 

 I was UP TO HERE with it the other evening so I devised a solution.  I brought Max's little roller thingie, that is primarily used outdoors, from the patio into the kitchen, and Claire pushed him around and around and around while I cooked.  Brilliant!  Do you think Max enjoyed it as much as Claire and I did? 

What a good sport.

Weekend in Review

On Friday we started step 2 of Max's sleep plan, which meant he was put into his crib.  He has to spend the entire night (11 hours) in his crib, even during diaper changes.  Josh remains sleeping on a mattress on the floor right next to the crib.  Josh can interact with him for 30 seconds at 5 minute intervals.  Can place his hand on his tummy but can't pat it continuously.  So many rules.  But this plan is working, folks.  He hardly even needs the interactions.  When he wakes, he stirs for a couple minutes and then promptly falls back asleep. If you told me a few weeks ago that he would be doing this, after only a week on the sleep plan, I would never have believed you.  We are so, so, so thankful. 

Because we were starting a new step, I had to leave the house two hours before bedtime on Friday.  So while Josh was home with both kids, feeding Claire dinner, giving Max a bottle, and putting both to bed, I was having a grand time at happy hour with Mom, Brad, and Becky.  Dinner and drinks with my mom and without kids hasn't happened since.... since we had kids.  So we all really enjoyed it!!

And of course, Josh was the amazing dad that he is and handled the two munchkins by himself without a problem. 

Saturday was a typical saturday around here.  Playing, Home Depot, Chipotle, the Mall, naps, cleaning, playing, baking, playing some more.  For dinner we had spaghetti with homemade turkey meatballs, garlic bread, and a glass of Cabernet.  Delish.  Topped off with the S'mores cookies I made for our bbq on Sunday with the Parks.  Saturday night Josh and I watched a movie together- Unstoppable with Denzel Washington.  I thought an empty train speeding at 70 MPH sounded a little hokey, but it was actually pretty good!  And we were only interrupted by Max ONCE!  

Sunday morning Josh stayed home with Max so they could continue the regimented nap schedule while Claire and I went to church. I LOVE the Palm Sunday service at Hosanna but (unfortunately) didn't get to partake in it because I was (gladly) volunteering in Claire's sunday school room.  It was me, a Hosanna staff member, and 13 little kiddos, approximately 20-30 months old.  It was fun to witness what she/they do during her class.  I was skeptical when I heard that they would be eating Ritz crackers and drinking grape juice, and for good reason.  Virtually all of the juice landed on laps, shirts, the table or the floor.  Good thing for Claire that her mommy was in the room because I helped her out, and she still spilled a bit!  We played with dirt, made a cross, talked about Palm Sunday, watched a big kid parade with leaves in the hallway, and played with toys.  Lots of fun.

Sunday afternoon Chris, Becky, Oscar and Kirby stopped by for a fun surprise visit and then Bethanie, Barry, and Brody came over to play and grill, for our first time at home this year. Lemon pepper chicken from Von Hansens- yum!! Brody and Claire had a blast playing outside.  And Max looked pretty cute himself. Love that little boy. 

Miss Thang

Claire got some new shades and she's feeling pretty cool.  

Some funny new phrases and words from Claire include,

"See ya next time!" (she said this today after she watched a puppy go into its house).

"How are you? Good?" and she uses the proper inflection at the end.

"Hallelujah".  This is from a song that Josh and I hum/sing. She's also seen the music video several times on youtube.  

"Honey!" She now calls Josh and I honey. 

"Come ON Mommy!"

"Mommy, hurry up!"

Max at 5 months old

Holy cow this is overdue!  Before I know it, Max is going to be 6 months old!  He's becoming more and more fun and his little personality is starting to show.  We are so blessed to have this little dude in our lives.

At 5 months, Max:

• wears size 6 month and 6-12 month clothes.  He is a little chunky chunk.  Max wears size 3 diapers and I'm guessing he weighs 16-17 pounds.  We'll see at his appt next month.
• rolls from front to back and back to front. He's also starting to scoot around a little.  
• only uses his paci at night and doesn't even use it much then.  I have a feeling it's going to be a cinch to wean him from the paci, unlike his sister (ugh..).
• is the happiest little guy you'll ever meet.  If you even look at him, he'll break into the biggest smile.  He loves to belly laugh and he thinks his sister is especially hilarious.  It's so heart-warming to watch them interact.  Max will just stare at Claire and smile and laugh. 
• sleeps horribly.  BUT- we are on night 3 of a new sleep plan and it's already working wonderfully!  We are so hopeful!
• drinks 5 ounce bottles and nurses several times a day.  He was recently cut off completely from night-time nursing so I'm wondering if he'll drink larger bottles during the day.  The doctor we spoke with about his sleep said that babies don't need 7-8 ounce bottles, no matter how old they are, but that parents just give them that much because that's the size of the bottle.  Hmm. 
• is exploring his voice and making the cutest little noises. I tell him he screams like a girl.
• studies faces intently. 
• is super ticklish. 
• rarely gets the hiccups, unlike his sister when she was a babe.

I won't nurse a baby during the middle of the night ever again....(tear...)

Unless we decide to have a third or God decides that for us.  But as for Max, he has officially been cut off from night time nursing.  And that makes me a bit sad.  Those middle of the night feedings hold some of the most tender, sweet motherly moments, at least during their first months of life.  It's so serene to gently cuddle and rock your baby as they find their ultimate comfort in you, while it feels that the whole world is quiet and sleeping. 

We had our 1 1/2 hour phone consultation today with Mrs. Nancy Birkenmeier.  I feel so hopeful and optimistic that this plan is going to work.  In the past 21 years, she has consulted with over 5,000 families in person and over 1,000 families over the phone.  I told her that she has literally changed thousands of lives. I don't think it's dramatic to say that she has saved more than a few marriages along the way. What a legacy!

Even after the sleep troubles she has seen, she was shocked by Max's sleep habits. She said that he "completely lacks any amount of quality sleep" and that "his sleep habits are worse than a newborn's".  After reviewing his sleep logs, she also advised that we shouldn't be driving after the few hours of sleep we have had night after night after night.  Wish that was an excuse to work from home that my boss would buy. 

Nancy said that once babies are 5 months old and at least 12-13 pounds, with no other health issues, they absolutely do not need to eat at night.  When they do nurse at night, it's more about the comfort it holds than the calories. 

She put us on a very strict and structured 3 step plan that will last 2-3 weeks.  Josh is going to shoulder the majority of the heavy lifting because if I am in the room with Max, he will be extra mad that I'm not nursing him.  Tonight is night one.  I left the house two hours before bedtime so the aroma of my milk escaped the house and Max was thoroughly convinced that I had vacated the building.  Josh was super dad.  He fed Max a bottle, put Claire to sleep, and then went with Max to his room, where they laid together on a mattress on the floor.  Max was unswaddled (!!) but had a pacifier.  Josh could talk to him intermittently, cuddle, and randomly pat his back or tummy, but not in a continuous or rhythmic motion.  Nancy anticipated Max would cry, fuss, or scream for 45-70 minutes.  By the second night the time should be cut in half, and by the third night we should see drastic improvement. Josh will stay with him on the mattress all night.  Max cannot get up for the day until at least 5:55.  If he wakes up at 5:50, Josh must try to help him (with the minimal assistance I mentioned above) get back to sleep for at least 30 minutes. There's a lot more to it than that, after all it did take 90 minutes for her to relay all of the instructions, but I don't have the energy or desire to delve into more details. 

While Josh was enduring the first night of sleep training, I was getting a massage.  Yep, it felt wrong. But I was praying for Josh and Max during most of the massage, so hopefully that helps make up for it.  And I only did it because my right shoulder is the worst it has been since I first got the injury in 2002.  This morning I could hardly get dressed, let alone take care of my kids all day, so I had to have something done about that. 

Three weeks from now Nancy thinks there's a very good chance Max is sleeping through the night, or getting up just once or twice to have his pacifier reinserted.  AND that we will be able to simply lay him down in his crib for naps and bedtime awake. Wow.  That will be a cause for celebration!

C-money

Is it weird that my almost 2 year old can wear her brother's size 6-12 month shirt? Also, the intense cheese smile is cute but when do real smiles return? 

Yes, I wear my mittens and rain boots in the house.  Got a problem with that? 

So tomorrow is the day.  The day that Nancy Birkenmeier, RN, and Make-Children-Sleep-Extraodinaire fixes Max's sleeping problems.  I hope our 90 minute phone consultation is the answer to our prayers!  Stay tuned! 

Adventures in Baking

I got a KitchenAid mixer a few months after we were married and used it once, maybe twice, before it was packed away for 6+ years.  I dusted the little lady off a couple weeks ago and have been going to town ever since!

Becky and Chris had a little get together on Friday evening for the Twins opener.  I made these Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip blondies to bring with us.  They were quite tasty but could have used a few more minutes in the oven.

Last night we went to Amy and Ben Van Zee's for dinner.  Arrived a few minutes after 5:00 and left promptly at 7:00- such is life with little ones!  Claire was tired because she had taken an early nap that day. I think she was starting to get under the weather because at 10:30 that morning she was asking me if she could go "nigh nigh".  By the time we were going to leave the Van Zee's, she had her head on my shoulder and was saying, "Home...home...".  What a sweetie.  We really enjoyed spending time with Amy and Ben.  Amy- I am so impressed with your decorating and overall craftiness! It's definitely not a skill in my toolkit so I appreciate it that much more in others! I LOVE that you were my first friend in Apple Valley when I was 4 and you were 2, and we're still friends 25 years later!  God is good!  Amy made tasty tacos and I brought a Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pie for dessert.  YUM!

This morning I made Breakfast Pull Apart Bread.  We were going to have Josh, Rachel and Kiera over for brunch after church but Claire woke up with a cold so we had to reschedule. :(   I put the bread together last evening.  This morning I learned the importance of details.  Apparently the recipe called for 24 frozen dough pieces but I had just thrown the entire bag of 36 into the bundt pan.  Whoops.  At least it gave Josh a huge laugh this morning.  It was really good!   For some reason Claire thought it was turkey meatballs.  While Josh and I were eating it, she repeatedly said, "Turkey! Meatball!" and never asked for a bite. Nice!  I'm going to find something different to make next Sunday when Josh, Rachel and Kiera are over, barring any sickness in any of the kids.  GO AWAY SICKNESS and PLEASE COME SUMMER!

(Not so extreme) Couponing

Have you seen the show "Extreme Couponing" on TLC?  Those people are nuts.  Those people spend 40-60 hours per week tracking down coupons and sales and get like $900 worth of groceries for $38 after coupons.  But who really needs 89 jumbo cans of Prego that are going to expire in a year?  Imagine the good they could do for food shelves if they spent a fraction of the time and gave what they didn't need? 

Anyways, I have started couponing myself.  I recently learned that Target allows you to "stack" coupons.  It means that you can use a manufacturer's coupon and a store coupon...on the same item!  Brilliant!

We started getting the Star Tribune on Sundays for $0.75.  I keep the Smart Source coupon book.  Then I go on this coupon site and look at the Target list. She does all of the work for you! I heard about Carrie because Target had her come to Headquarters to share her couponing expertise.  She tells you what Target has on sale that week, links you to coupons online, links you to Target coupons, and tells you what coupons to use from the Smart Source booklet.

Yesterday I spent $125 in groceries for the week (I have started (once again) meal planning each week, which saves mucho money and cuts down on waste!), diapers, and toiletries.  I saved $17.25 in coupons! And I didn't buy a single item that I wouldn't have bought anyways.  I also got my 10% employee discount and 5% RedCard discount.  By the way- if you shop at Target regularly at all, you really need to get the Target RedCard or you're just throwing away 5% every time you shop.  Don't like credit cards? Me neither. So you can get the Target DEBIT card.  It pulls it straight from your checking account!  We're so genius at Target!

I probably spent 10 minutes finding, printing, and organizing my coupons this week. I'd say that's worth $17.25.  Not to mention the pride I felt when I handed my wad of coupons to the cashier (aka "team member" in our Target lingo).  I'm not quite an extreme couponer but I'm saving some change!