121 days

121 days until April 27th, my due date. I have a very strong feeling I am going to go early (this is not just the naive first time mom hope... I have a pretty decent reason) so I most likely have less than 121 days until Claire's birth!

With that said, I have a lot of stuff to get done... I am going to put this list on the right hand side of my blog so I can keep track and feel good about checking things off! I have been a painting maniac lately so I'm adding a couple rooms I painted in the last few weeks to make myself feel better about seeing things checked off. :)

• Paint guest bedroom- CHECK
• Paint downstairs bathroom- CHECK
• Decorate guest bedroom and downstairs bath
• Paint master bedroom- CHECK
• Paint nursery
• Decorate nursery
• Paint accent wall in living room because of the window explosion
• Print photos from the past 2 years that are on my laptop
• Organize kitchen desk and paperwork
• Take two grad classes
• Throw Sarah's bachelorette party at Lutsen
• Sarah and Erik's wedding!!
• Register for baby showers
• Make a plan for how my team will cover for me at work
• Two business trips to Indianapolis
• Childbirth, parenting, and breastfeedings classes at the hospital

I'm sure there's more I haven't thought of yet. I hope the next 17ish weeks go by really quickly!

Pregnancy Symptoms and Events

I want to remember all of the different events and symptoms throughout the pregnancy so I'm using the blog to keep track..

• I started feeling little flutters around 16 weeks. I started feeling light kicks around 18 weeks. I'm 21 weeks now and I have felt solid kicks for a couple weeks now. I LOVE them.
• I have felt great during second trimester. Nausea is gone. I'm not exhuasted.
• I get horrible leg and foot cramps. At my appt a couple weeks ago the doctor said that it is totally normal. Not every pregnant woman experiences it and they don't know what causes it, but if you experience cramps they will last throughout the entire pregnancy. I think I have scared the crap out of Josh on a few occasions by jumping out of bed during the middle of the night and hobbling around the room muttering, "ow! Ow! OWW!".
• We love the little baby incredibly much. We both think about her all the time. Last Saturday I got up at 6AM because I couldn't sleep. I walked into the bedroom a couple hours later and saw Josh just laying there and staring at the ceiling. I asked him what he was thinking about and he said, "our baby...". Awww, melted my heart!
• I periodically experience lightheadedness and feel faint. It happens after walking or after I am standing for awhile. It's a terrible feeling. Once I lay or sit down for a few minutes, it goes away. The doctor said this too is totally normal because you have 40% more blood in your body and your blood pressure is lower. The worst incident happened yesterday. I was standing outside Starbucks in the skyway, waiting for a woman to show up for a meeting. The lightheadedness came over me and I felt like I was going to faint. For the first time though my vision became very blurry and I had trouble standing. A Target store is right next door so I walked in there, bought a bottle of water, sat down and drank the whole thing. I mustered enough energy to walk back to my office and I was fine the rest of the day.

If you didn't catch it above... we are having a precious baby GIRL!!! We weren't going to find out but we changed our mind about 6 weeks ago. We had the big ultrasound on December 5th. The week before the ultrasound (it was on a Friday) felt like the absolute longest week of my life. We were sooo excited! We would have been completely happy with either gender. We prayed for so long for God to bless us with just the perfect child that was created just for us. We couldn't ask for anything more than that. It's so fun to know it's a girl. She's perfectly healthy! At the ultrasound they measure everything from all of the organs to the parts of the brain to the bones in the arms and legs. After our ultrasound the doctor reviewed all of the measurements as we sat anxiously waiting. After his review he looked up and said, "Well, you can't improve perfection. She's perfectly healthy. You are making my job easy!". Yay!! :) :)

We cannot wait until April. We just want to meet our baby girl Claire!

A look back..once more.

One more look back on my pregnancy...

12 weeks.
This is a huge concept to pregnant women. To most other people, "12 weeks" doesn't mean much. Maybe it's the length of our all too short summer or the way in which we measure seasons. To pregnant women though, it is a magical threshold. Every pregnant woman (at least those that want to be pregnant) dream of reaching the 12 week point as soon as they see the magical two lines on the pregnancy test. It is at this point, of course, that the risk of miscarriage decreases significantly. It's where you can finally stop the constant state of worrying and maybe start enjoying your pregnancy.

With my first pregnancy I dreamt of "12 weeks" from the moment I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks and 4 days along. 12 weeks seemed like an eternity away. But of course, the odds were that I wouldn't miscarry. Only 20ish percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and I was young, healthy, a non-smoker, etc and my baby daddy was the same. I was terrified of falling into the 20% but fairly confident I had a good chance of being in the 80%. Until I wasn't. Through this extremely difficult time God taught me a lesson about trusting the odds. God taught me and Josh many many lessons throughout our infertility and loss journey and I desperately wanted to learn from them.

***** SIDE NOTE ALERT********
I do NOT necessarily think that God made us go through infertility and losing our precious first child. I do NOT think that "everything happens for a reason". In fact, I despise that phrase (just my opinion, no offense to those that feel otherwise. I know a lot of people believe in that idea and take refuge in it). I do not think God necessarily decided, "nope. your baby won't live. I am taking him or her away". Maybe He did. He is God after all, so it's definitely within the realm of possibility. But it may not have happened that way. We live in a fallen world. We do not live as God first intended. He did not design us to live in separation from Him. In a fallen world, shit happens. Innocent people are hurt. Tragic events occur and people struggle to make sense of them. Some people believe that there's some greater reason and purpose for all of the pain. I do not believe that God makes and causes all of the horrible things to happen because He has a greater purpose but I do believe that God can take horrible, horrible situations and make good out of them. Maybe He did destine us to struggle with infertility and lose our first child. Maybe He didn't. Maybe His heart broke into a million pieces like ours did. And he took the opportunity to make good from it. To teach us lessons. That's what I believe. This is just my opinion and I do not claim it's the right or correct one. It's just what I believe. And it's why I cringe when I hear that everything happens for a reason.
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Side note complete. But that's why I very much wanted to learn from every lesson. One lesson God taught me was that He is bigger than the odds.

Fast forward to August 11th, 2008 when I found out (again at 3 weeks and 4 days along.. I am a sucker for testing at 11 DPO or DPIUI) that we were miraculously expecting again. It didn't take long for me to yearn for 12 weeks.

Over the following 8 weeks and 3 days, the hope for reaching the 12 week milestone frequently entered my mind. If only I could make it there! Then everything would be better!

The truth is that the worrying doesn't stop at 12 weeks. The possibility for harm doesn't either. Women lose their babies at 13 weeks too. And 16 weeks. And 20 weeks. Babies can be diagnosed inutero with spina bifida, down sydnrome, trisomy 18. Even if born healthy babies can die of sudden infant death syndrome. Or they can be diagnosed with cancer as a toddler. This sounds depressing and I guess it is. Shit happens. You don't enter a magical cocoon at 12 weeks that protects your unborn child from everything bad that can happen. So why place so much hope and trust in reaching that threshold?

During this time I felt an internal struggle. This is an example of what happened multiple times per day.

Internal thoughts of Whitney
yes! I'm 9 weeks! Only four more weeks to go! I'm getting so close! I want this baby so desparately!
Whitney, listen to me.. do not place your hope and faith in this. Place your hope in ME. I love you. I am here for you, no matter what. I will give you shelter and take care of you. You are my precious child.

This really did happen very frequently. I did not audibly hear God talking to me but I heard Him in my thoughts, through other people, and through events.

Annie, my mother in law, gave me a pregnancy devotional book between my first and second pregnancies. Day 61 says:

"With only three weeks left in the first trimester, you may be anxious to jump ahead, looking forward to the relative security of the next phase of pregnancy,when the risk of miscarriage is decreased. You love this baby so much already, and even though you've been praying throughout your pregnancy, your thoughts may return to fear from time to time. Maybe you try to reassure yourself by looking ahead on the calendar. "If only I get through this weekend, I can stop worrying". Or, "If I just make it to my next doctor's appointment, I'll feel more assured that everything is okay". Where do you place your faith: in a living God or in a number on a calendar? Which is able to offer you actual security and protection? Of course, it is God".

I will admit it felt good to reach 12 weeks. And then 13 weeks, and then 14 weeks. The worrying doesn't stop though. I feel baby Docken kick A LOT and if I ever go half a day without feeling the baby, I start worrying. As a mother, I think the worry will remain for the rest of my life. So I pray I continue to place my trust and hope in my savior, Jesus Christ.

Happy 30th Birthday Chris!

Today is my broham's (brother's) 30th birthday. Wow! I can hardly believe it.

Just over 8 years ago (July 25th, 2000), we almost lost him. Chris was in a horrible car accident (in the passenger seat) and his best friend (in the driver seat) tragically passed away. We are so incredibly grateful he is alive- words cannot describe. He is one of the most important people in the world to me. I cannot describe how much I love and care for him. I would do anything for Chris!

I am so proud of him- of who he is. He is the greatest friend anyone could have. I feel so blessed that Josh and Chris have formed such a great relationship. Chris was Josh's best man at our wedding. They both have the brother they never had before!

Just last week Chris became engaged to wonderful Becky. They make a fantastic couple and he made such a good choice with her!

Here are some fond memories of Chris:

• When we were little we played together a lot. Our parents both worked full time so after school and in the summers it was just the two of us a lot of the time. I remember one time I was riding my bike in a dress (go figure), slipped on sand at the end of our street, fell, and somehow managed to get my dress all tangled up in the spokes. Chris found me, rushed home to get a scissors, came back and cut my dress out, and carried my bike home for me as I cried. We loved to play Super Nintento together, watch Tom and Jerry cartoons, drive each other crazy, ride our bikes to PDQ.... it wasn't always easy but we really were great friends.
• We both lived at home in New Prague the summer of 2001. We often stayed up late watching movies. Both of our favorite movies is Armageddon and we both knew virtually all of the words! We watched that movie many times that summer and laughed as we both quoted the entire movie.
• We went to the Timberwolves game against the Lakers in 2004. It was game 6 in the semi-finals. We wore our blue wigs and green face paint. A Timberwolves employee approached Chris and asked him to be the "Fan of the Game", which meant he could watch 4th quarter on the court (near the bench) and go onto the court after the game. His response was, "Not without my sister". We had so much fun doing that together- I will never forget it!
• During our parents' separation and divorce, we became closer than ever. I don't know how many times we called each other to talk, cry, listen, and just be there for each other. He was the only person who truly knew how I felt, and I was the only person that knew how he felt. It was probably the hardest time in both of our lives and we couldn't have gone through it without each other. Even now, we still call each other to talk about our thoughts and feelings about our parents being divorced. After 21 years (24 for Chris) of your family being intact, you don't just become accustomed to a new life apart. This will always be a bond for us.
• In 2002 we went on a family reunion to Sweden. Chris and I really wanted to bring our rollerblades. Our dad tried his darndest to convince us NOT to bring them but to no avail. It was terribly annoying to lug a suitcase of 4 rollerblades all over Sweden and Norway (guess Dad was right) but we thoroughly enjoyed the evening that we rollerbladed in Stockholm together!
• My Grandpa Rudy ADORES my brother. They are so close. My brother calls him "buddy" and Grandpa calls him his "favorite grandson". I love my grandpa to the moon and back, but Chris and my grandpa have a very unique relationship. It is such a blessing to both of them.
• When my Grandma was passing away my entire immediate family was in Florida with her. My brother was such a strong caretaker for her. He has always been a caretaker but it was really apparent during this time. He stayed up at night, right by her side, making sure she was breathing and carrying her to the bathroom and back because she couldn't walk. It brings tears to my eyes to remember this. She loved Chris so much.

I have so many special memories with Chris. He is going to be the most amazing uncle to our precious little child. He will be a fantastic father someday too.

Chris, I love you.

...and then a miracle occurred...

The idea that a man and woman can have sex and get pregnant is completely foreign to me. It is so natural and common, yet I honestly cannot wrap my mind around it. Our miracle occurred(isn't the above picture funny??) but not without countless doctors appointments, drugs, blood tests, screening follicle ultrasounds, uterine lining measurements, intrauterine inseminations, progesterone supplements, hysterosalpingogram, disappointment, tears, frustration, many, many prayers, etc, etc, etc. But it was all worth it! I am 19 weeks pregnant and Josh and I have both felt baby Docken kick! Amazing!!
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Our first ultrasound was at 6 weeks 6 days (we knew the exact date with confidence due to the above mentioned procedures). We saw a little tiny white line with a flicking light- the heartbeat!! It was .5 cm long and already had a heartbeat of 126 bpm! Incredible! Unfortunately the baby was only measuring 6 weeks 2 days. The u/s tech said not to be concerned, but who was she kidding?? Of course I was concerned. I thought maybe the baby took after its mama and was just on the small side.

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Our next appointment was exactly 3 weeks later. It was supposed to just be our first appt with the OB. Dr. Song checked for the heartbeat on the doppler. She warned me that "we should be able to hear the heartbeat but if not, that doesn't automatically mean you miscarried". Errr, thanks. She tried for several minutes before she gave up. I was laying on the table completely scared. She said, "well, this either means you miscarried again or it's too early". My eyes welled with tears and I fought to keep it together. I told her that I needed to know. Today. She said that she could try to get me in for an emergency u/s, given my history of miscarriage. She wrote a note on a piece of paper that we couldn't find the heartbeat and I had a past miscarriage and asked me to bring it to the front desk. The woman at the front desk said the u/s tech had a full schedule but they would try to get me in. I told her that I would wait all day, I just need to be able to get in. We waited for just about 20 minutes. I concentrated the whole time on not losing it. When we got into the u/s room, the tech put the wand on my stomach and we instantly saw a beating heart. My tears started flowing freely then! It was so amazing. Our little guy/girl had grown so much in 3 weeks! It had little buds for arms and legs and bright white parts that were its nose and chin. We were sooooooo relieved and thankful. What a scary morning but great ending!

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Our third ultrasound was 3 weeks later. It was for an optional NT Scan where they test for down syndrome and trisomy 18. I honestly wasn't worried about either one but just really wanted to have another ultraound! It feels like an eternity between each doctor's appt. This ultrasound was the most amazing one yet. Baby Docken was HUGE (relatively speaking!) and incredibly active! That's the first time I had a feeling about a gender because with dance moves like that, it had to be a little girl! The u/s tech changed to the 4D mode, which was even more surreal! At one point the baby did an acrobatic move and totally flipped from its back to its stomach! The u/s tech needed the baby to lay flat so she could take measurements. The baby would have none of it so she gently pushed on my stomach, which made the baby jump. Ever since Josh saw the baby jump high from just a little push, he has been very protective of my stomach. He always tells me to not push on it and to be gentle. Thanks for the reminder, honey. :) The pictures from this u/s are in a previous post. We felt so in love!

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So there are my three ultrasound stories. I am still writing about previous events because I want to get it all down before I have a chance to forget any of it. Now I need to really stop procrastinating and write my darn paper for grad school. Tonight we're going to Carbones to watch the Vikings defeat the Bears and celebrate Chris' 30th birthday. He and Becky got engaged last Monday! Yay! I am so thrilled for them and for Becky to join our family!

17 weeks 3 days!

Just two weeks and 4 days until we're halfway there! Yesterday we took the day off and Annie came over and we worked hard on the house to get it ready for baby! We cleaned out the future nursery (which was jam packed with crap we hadn't gone through since we moved in a year ago) and the extra bedroom and put everything neatly into labeled plastic tubs. Josh put up shelving in the basement to store the tubs and we removed the wallpaper in the extra bedroom! This weekend I am going to try to paint it. In a couple weeks Josh and I will go shopping for nursery furniture!

Ahh it is still hard for me to understand or believe that this is actually happening. I can't wrap my mind around the idea that we (God willing) will have a baby in our house in 5 months! Slava Bogu!

Hope

Some Sunday night thoughts on "hope"... when I should instead be writing my paper on Business Ethics!

Hope is strong. There is power in hope and remaining hopeful even when it feels useless.

I am thinking of our family and friends and praying that you are granted what you hope for. Especially one of you... you know who you are... I pray that tomorrow you receive the news you hope for.

Some powerful quotes on Hope:
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for". Epicurus (341 BC - 270 BC)

"Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have". H. Jackson Brown Jr.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 5:13

A dear, dear friend of mine...sister, really, is named Jessica Hope Marty (err, McAllister, but I will always think of her as Marty). Her mom, my dear Godmother Cindy, had four precious boys and hoped for a girl in her fifth pregnancy. When she was born, Cindy and Paul named her Jessica HOPE because they had hoped and prayed for her. What a blessing I think it is for Jessica to always be reminded that she was hoped for!

Have a great week! Josh and I are really looking forward to taking this Wednesday off to work on our house! We have a lot of stuff to do before the baby comes!

Something to think about

I keep thinking about something our Pastor said last Sunday. The past couple of weeks, much of the "sermon" (different than most sermons..ours is a 45 minute teaching with real world application that is based on biblical truth) was about the election. I thought that was great.

Pastor Bill said that he had talked to many people of faith between Nov 4th and last sunday that had strong emotions regarding the election of Obama. He talked to some believers that felt absolutely euphoric that Obama was elected... they still hadn't come home from the party yet. He also talked to some believers that were absolutely angry that Obama was elected.

He said, "Both reactions from believers, from people of faith, are overly exaggerated and inappropriate. The same God that was on the throne Tuesday morning was on the throne Wednesday morning".

What a great reminder. God was not surprised by the results of the election; God is not wondering how Barack will change the United States; God does not feel threatened or overjoyed with a Democratic majority; because He is in control. Amen to that.

The first couple weeks

The first couple weeks of the pregnancy were full of ups and downs, but mostly ups. When we had the miscarriage, part of me was worried that I would be absolutely terrified the next time I was pregnant and part of me felt that I would be peaceful because I survived a miscarriage once and if it happened again, I knew God would carry me through it. A few days after we learned we were expecting, I went to a wedding shower for my dear friend Katie Gersch. At the shower another dear childhood (and adulthood!) friend, Amy Hanson, asked me how everything was going. She was so excited when I told her we were expecting and after I told her I felt very nervous she said to me, "Whitney.. God is Sovereign!!". He is! Whenever I felt nervous, I remembered those words and felt better. This is God's child. He gives. He takes away.
And through it all, He is sovereign.

The first beta came back at 93 (I know that doesn't mean anything to the majority of you but I am using this blog as a journal so I can remember in the future). My second beta was two days later. The hcG is supposed to double every 48-72 hours. My first and second beta were 41 hours apart, and the beta exactly doubled to 186. Coincidence?? Probably not. My third beta was 4 days later and it had more than doubled twice. It felt great to be on the right track!

We told Josh's family about the baby at the State Fair on August 23rd. We had just walked out of the birthing center where we saw incredibly pregnant cows, pigs, and newborn little animals. Josh turned to his family and said, "Well.. that was fitting because we are expecting TOO!!". "Too?!?!" "No! Also!! He meant 'also'!". After we told them that our due date was April 27th, just 9 days after Heather and Sean's wedding in Wisconsin, Sean told me that they have hospitals in Wisconsin and they can decorate the room in purple so the baby doesn't come out a Packer fan.

Here are a couple belly pictures!

12 weeks

14 weeks 1 day

The beginning

This coming Monday, we will have known for 11 weeks that we were expecting a baby. We didn't announce it on here until recently because we weren't ready to share the news, even though there is a very small group of people that have access to this blog. But, one of the primary purposes of this blog is a journal, a keepsake, for Josh and I. I feel like so many things have happened in the past 11 weeks, actually 14.5 weeks since this cycle began, that I want to write down so I can remember them forever.

So, I am going back in time.

Getting pregnant, and staying pregnant, was a very difficult journey for us. 1 in 6 couples deal with infertility and we fall into that category. There were months and months that we prayed for God to bless us with a baby. Josh and I prayed together daily, but I also prayed many, many times throughout the day myself. It is difficult to explain, even difficult for me to fully understand, but I had an internal struggle between praying for a baby and praying for God's will.

I knew that we wanted to start a family, but for some reason, I always felt a pang of hesitation when I asked for it. I would get frustrated and worried about the pang of hesitation because I didn't know what was causing it and I was very worried that God would take it as a sign that we weren't ready.

Although our journey to starting a family was difficult, to say the least, I knew that it would not be in vain. I knew that God was teaching and developing Josh and I individually and as a couple. He was bringing us closer to Him individually and us closer together as a couple. I did not want to be on this journey but I wanted to receive and learn what He wanted me to. I earnestly prayed for these things.

July was 6 months past our miscarriage. We had had 4 failed cycles with infertility treatments since the miscarriage and were starting our 5th. We were approaching our original due date (Sept 26th) and it scared me that we might not be pregnant by then because I had always thought/hoped/prayed we would be. And then God turned on a lightbulb in my head. There were two verses that constantly played through my mind, out of nowhere.

"Until now you have not asked for anthing in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete" John 16:24

"Ask and it wil be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened" Matthew 7:7-8

It was almost like an epiphany. Instantly my prayers changed and the hesitation deep in my heart went completely away. I told Jesus, "we do not deserve a baby but because You are gracious, merciful, and love us more than we can imagine, I ask that You grant us a baby, that you answer our prayers". My heart felt different and my prayers certainly sounded different. It was like God was telling me, "WHITNEY! My child! ASK me.... just ask me, because I love you".

We also pursued more intensive infertility treatments that cycle but I do believe God answered our prayers.

We went to International Falls August 9-10th for my Grandma's 80th birthday party. Chris, Becky, Josh and I drove together. It was very early but I had a feeling I was pregnant. I had vowed to not take a pregnancy test until August 14th but, as in the previous cycles, I buckled and tested August 11th, before work. It was positive immediately. I was so happy but so scared. I woke Josh up and told him the test was positive. He said, "I thought you weren't testing yet!". Although we were elated, we were very worried for two reasons:

1) I had had a trigger shot 12 days prior. The shot induces ovulation within 24-36 hours and it contains a strong dosage of hcG, which is the same exact hormone that pregnancy tests measure. If you test too early, you can receive a false positive because it could just be lingering hcG from the shot.

2) We knew from experience that a positive pregnancy test does not equal a baby.

I tested again the next day and the line was even darker so Josh and I felt confident that it wasn't the shot. We were so happy, but still worried about a miscarriage.

That Tuesday I went to my clinic for a blood draw to measure what is called a "beta", which is essentially the level of hcG. Next time I'll write more about the days after positive test, but for now I really need to jump in the shower because I'm having coffee with Sara in 45 minutes!

Would being Muslim matter?

This afternoon some close co-workers and I were carefully, cautiously, discussing the election. The worst it got was when one woman said, "What do you think Sarah Palin will do after this is all over???" (she's clearly insinuating Obama will be elected) and another said, "She'll be Vice President". If that's the worst it gets, it's a pretty decent conversation.

We talked about how so many mistruths float around and it is important for Americans to do due diligence to search out the truth. We are so fortunate in this country to have so many available resources to learn the truth.

One co-worker talked about the rumors flying around that Obama is Muslim. He said that Colin Powell addressed it last weekend. Colin said that 1) he is not Muslim, and 2) the bigger issue is that if he was Muslim, it shouldn't matter. Everyone nodded their head in agreement.

Except me.

I said that it absolutely would matter to me if Obama, or the candidate I was voting for, was Muslim. Not because Muslims are inherently evil, as many people spreading and believing the rumors seem to think. But because I think that your religion affects, or should affect, everything you do.

That's pretty much where I left it with my co-workers. A few seemed to think it over and possibly agree.

I continued thinking about it on my way home from class tonight when I was traveling 15 fricken mph on 35W South because of the construction.

Being a Christian believer impacts who I am. It impacts the decisions I make, how I act at work, my interactions with others, the way I respond to situations (both emotionally and mentally), what I take a stand for, when I speak up with an unpopular opinion, my approach to problems, etc. It affects everything. And I pray often that it has a bigger and bigger impact on every facet of my life.

If I was President, my fundamental beliefs as a Christian believer and the way I act in accordance to God's will for me, would clearly, unequivocally, impact how I operated in office.

I know what some are thinking... what about separation of church and state? That could still happen, and would happen, but I personally could not separate my beliefs and who I am in Christ from my role as President.

I would expect, or hope for, the same from someone of another religion. For that reason I would have a problem with my President being a Muslim. If the President's religion was, say, Baptist, and I am Lutheran, that would not pose a problem (or at least as big of a problem). But, Islam and Christianity are fundamentally different.

Those are my thoughts. Right or wrong. I am very curious to hear what others think. If you would be so kind and courageous to share, I would love you to leave a comment, or send me an email, with your perspective (and you don't have to agree with me to respond! I am actually even more interested in opinions that are different from mine!).

On a baby note- I enter the 2nd trimester this week! YEAH!!!

Introducing Baby Docken

I will extol the Lord at all times;

his praise will always be on my lips.

My soul will boast in the Lord;

let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

Glorify the Lord with me;

let us exalt his name together.

I sought the Lord and he answered me;

he delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 34: 1-4

We don't have a scanner so here are some pictures of pictures!

Baby Docken is due April 27th'ish. I am exactly 12 weeks today! We are SO HAPPY!!!!

Adoption

I am sitting here home alone on Saturday evening at 7:28 PM waiting for Pizza Hut to deliver my scrumptious food, watching CSI, and thinking about adoption.

Adoption is on my heart. A lot.

It started 10 years ago when I first visited Ukraine. I was blessed to visit a couple orphanages with Jessica and Cindy Marty. There is a vision from one of the orphanages that is forever sketched in my mind. We were outside and there were approximately 15 toddlers (2-3 year olds) standing in a circular "gate". The gate was about 4 feet high. There was little room for them to play within this gate. There were no toys.

They were just standing there. Staring at me. Pleading with their eyes to "hold me!", "hug me!", "LOVE ME!". I took a picture of this view and walked away. I may have walked away physically but I have never walked away emotionally. I love those kids.

Why would I go to Ukraine three times? You must admit, most people do not have that opportunity, and if granted to them, many people would not take it. Why would I have a feeling, long before I knew it to be true, that I would struggle with infertility?

Maybe God had it all planned out. Maybe all of these events have taken place in my life to lead me to adopting from Ukraine.

Update.... the pizza just arrived. Mmmm MMM!

I was reading an article about the new movie called "Fireproof" that was created by the same group that created "Facing the Giants". In the interview with the Director, I read the following question and it just spoke to me!

Q: You have four adopted children, ages 11, 10, 9 and 8, and two biological children, ages 7 and 5. Has being an adoptive family given you any special insights into the way God adopts people into his family?

A: Adoption is wonderful — what a great picture of God's love for us. You can say to your adoptive children, "We chose to love you." That's how it is with the Lord. Jesus said, "You didn't choose me, but I chose you." It's worked out great. My wife is an adopted child herself, so it's a natural part of our family.

We chose you. We chose you from halfway around the world to be a part of our family. Forever. How I pray it will be so!

I have really fallen off the blog wagon! So sorry! I promise to get better.

In my precious Grandpa's words, "Life is good". Fall semester started up last week. I have Industry Analysis on Monday nights and Debt Markets, Interest Rates, and Hedging on Tuesday nights. The second class should just be called "Riveting". Amy Klitzke (formerly Stittsworth) is in my Monday class- I am so glad we are in a class together!

We are in our 4th out of 4 years of confirmation. We began mentoring these kids in 7th grade and now they are in 10th! They look so different and have grown (physically, not necessarily in maturity) so much! We have our last retreat this weekend at Camp Wapo in Wisconsin. It's been a big commitment for us and hard to juggle at times, especially with work and school, but we are so glad we did it!

I don't know if anyone is even reading this anymore. I promise to post more exciting stuff soon! Keep tuned.

In the meantime, I normally don't like forwards (I immediately go to snopes.com to check the validity) but I enjoyed the one I received today, the 7th year anniversary of 9/11/01.

Where were you that tragic day? I was in my college dorm room. I had just returned from the shower. I was standing there in my towel with my wet hair and turned on the TV, like I did every morning. I was captivated by what I saw. Minutes later I watched the second plane hit. Surreal. I had class that morning and afternoon. That evening I went to a prayer vigil at our school's chapel. I talked to my mom, dad, brother and Josh. Josh and I had only been dating for 9 (wonderful) days. No matter where you were, God was there too.

'MEET ME IN THE STAIRWELL'

You say you will never forget where you were when

you heard the news On September 11, 2001.

Neither will I.

I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room

with a man who called his wife to say 'Good-Bye.'

I held his fingers steady as he dialed.

I gave him the peace to say, 'Honey, I am not going

to make it, but it is OK..I am ready to go.' I was with

his wife when he called as she fed breakfast to

their children. I held her up as she tried to understand

his words and as she realized he wasn't coming

home that night.

I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a

woman cried out to Me for help. 'I have been

knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!'

I said. 'Of course I will show you the way home -

only believe in Me now.' I was at the base of the

building with the Priest ministering to the injured

and devastated souls. I took him home to tend to

his Flock in Heaven. He heard my voice and answered.

I was on all four of those planes,

in every seat, with every prayer.

I was with the crew as they were overtaken.

I was in the very hearts of the believers there,

comforting and assuring them that their

faith has saved them. I was in Texas , Virginia ,

California , Michigan , Afghanistan .. I was standing

next to you when you heard the terrible news.

Did you sense Me?

I want you to know that I saw every face.

I knew every name - though not all know Me.

Some met Me for the first time on the 86th floor.

Some sought Me with their last breath.

Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the

smoke and flames; 'Come to Me... this way...

take my hand.' Some chose, for the final time, to

ignore Me. But, I was there.

I did not place you in the Tower that day.

You may not know why, but I do.

However, if you were there in that explosive

moment in time, would you have reached for Me?

Sept. 11, 2001, was not the end of the journey

for you. But someday your journey will end.

And I will be there for you as well. Seek Me now

while I may be found. Then, at any moment, you

know you are 'ready to go.'

I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.

God

Savannah, Georgia, y'all

This is late.. but better late than never. We went to Savannah mid-July for the wedding of Kris and Annie Bates.

We LOVED Savannah. We were worried it would be ridiculously hot but the overcast sky and off and on rain kept it relatively cool! I have been so busy with school and work this summer that our amount of quality time together had been lacking. It was wonderful to reconnect and talk, talk, laugh, talk, drink wine, walk around, laugh, complain about terrible service, sleep, hang out. We talked about how many kids we want to have- I'm on the "4 kids- 3 bio and 1 adopted or 2 bio and 2 adopted" platform and Josh is sticking with "2". Only God knows!

We stayed in the nicest hotel that either of us had ever had the joy of experiencing (and we got a great deal on it).

Here are a few pics from our vaca!

(p.s. Josh is wearing all-white in the first picture because it was his Best Man outfit).

6 Months

It's been 6 months since our miscarriage. I would have given birth (God willing) next month. I can't believe it has been this long. Still, we praise Him. We long for His perfect plan. We thank Him for the precious peace that only He can give. We pray that He is glorified through our journey.

If all I had was one last breath
I'd spend it just to sing Your praise
Just to say Your name
If all I had was one last prayer
I'd pray it 'cause I know You're always listening
If I could live a thousand lives, bind the hands of time
I would spend every moment by Your side

'cause I, I know You're there, I know You see me
You're the air I breathe
You are the ground beneath me
I know You're there, I know You hear me
I can find You anywhere

If all I had was one more song to sing
I would raise my voice to make the heavens ring
If all I had was one last chance, I'd take it
I would stake it all on You

If I could raise up high and catch a glimpse of every eye
I would make them believe
What I feel inside

If I could live a thousand lives and bind the hands of time
If I could rise up high and catch a glimpse of every eye

I know You're there
I know You're there
I know You're there, You're there

Chin up

I haven't posted in awhile because life has been c-r-a-z-y b-u-s-y! I only have a few minutes so this post will be brief.

Josh and I want to Savannah a couple weeks ago and had a FABULOUS time! The wedding was gorgeous and we thoroughly enjoyed spending time together. Savannah is a really fun little town. I'll post pictures soon!

Last weekend, Amy, Sarah, Pam, and I went on our 4th (3rd?) annual girls weekend. We switch resorts each year and we definitely found a winner this year with Breezy Point in Brainerd!! It was awesome. We hardly stopped the girl talk from when we left at 2PM on Friday to when we returned at 1PM on Sunday. I am so thankful for my friendship with these ladies. They laugh with you, cry with you, support you, make fun of you, pull you out of the bar when a random drunk guy tries to pick a fight.. Love 'em.

I spent the past couple days in Indianapolis. I'll be spending a lot of time there with my new job. It was a good trip.

Work and school are both still crazy. I have finals in the next couple weeks and then I'll be done with this tortorous semester and have a wonderful break before fall semester starts in September.

I am getting SUPER excited for the nuptial events for Bethanie and Barry. Shower in August, Bachelorette party in Sept, and the best part--- the wedding on 9/2o!

I'll post pictures soon of Savannah and girls weekend!
Thanks for your prayers and encouragement!

Life in the fast lane.

I would really appreciate your prayers today.

I feel as though my life is traveling at an incredibly fast speed. I have so much going on right now. I really wish I could simplify. I am terribly sad about my infertility and miscarriage today. As I type I have a massive lump in my throat. I have a midterm on Monday that I am nowhere near ready for and I have a midterm and group project as soon as I get back from Savannah next week and I haven't even started working on those. Work is crazy busy. I am going to be traveling a lot in the next few months and that does not bode well with my doctors appointments. My former boss knew all about my situation and was unbelievably supportive. My new boss, who is a male, doesn't know anything and I worry about being gone for my treatments. On average I have 5-6 appts per cycle. Being that he doesn't know what's going on with me, I don't know how he will react to me being gone so much. My new job is really demanding. I suppose I should have expected that. To actually feel comfortable I would love to be able to put in 50-55 hours per week, at least initially until I am more ramped up. That doesn't work with my school schedule because I have to leave at 4:30 for class two nights per week and the other nights I have to go home so I can study for hours.

So, there is my complaining for the day! I just needed to vent. I know that God will sustain me and provide for all of my needs! His peace is powerful and it calms my heart.

p.s. would you also pray for a family member of mine that is unfortunately traveling down the same path of infertility? Her heart is heavy and she is reaching the point where she can't handle it anymore. Would you pray for peace and for God to bless her with her perfect child?

Hole #9

"The Future"

"This hole was inspired by my enthusiasm for our future. Our love for each other is truly a gift from God and I really think we are perfect for each other. I'm so excited for the future...I want to get a house with you, I want to get a puppy with you, I want to get season tickets to the Timberwolves with you, I want to go to church with you, I want to cook with you, I want to come home from work to your beautiful smile, I want to lay by your side every night, I want to golf with you, I want to travel the world with you, I want to comfort you always, I want to wake up next to you every morning, I want to start a family with you! Hun, I want to love you forever and ever... I promise to love you every day for the rest of my life...."

At this point he got on one knee and proposed!! I was so shocked. Hole #9 was in his bedroom and the room was dark and there were probably 50+ candles around the room and rose petals everywhere. It was SO romantic! After he proposed (and I said yes) we slow danced. What a special moment! We didn't tell anyone we were engaged (except for my chiropractor) for a few days because we wanted it to be just between us for awhile. LOVE HIM!!

Hole #8

"Love for you"

This hole was inspired by my awesome love for you. I love you with my whole heart...I love everything about you. I love: your smile, your huge heart, your love for others, your faith, your eyes, your kisses, your humor, your singing, your little nose, your stubborness, your love for sports, your perfect body, your hair, your soft touch, your hugs, your randomness, your little hands, your happiness, your intelligence, your taste in movies/music... you know I could go on forever...but the most important is that you make me the happiest guy in the world and I thank God every day for your love!"

Tomorrow we pull out the big guns... the proposal! :)

Hole #7

"France"

This hole was inspired by your trip to Dijon, France. WOW...what can I say? To be away from my best friend and love of my life for four months was the hardest thing I've ever done! This was an amazing time for us...my love for you did nothing but grow stronger, I also matured and grew a lot closer to God! I am so proud of everything that you went through while you were 26 fingers away...you amazed me every single day, you really did! You made it through some pretty hard times and I know you grew a lot, both as a person and in your faith too. You are such an inspiration!

Hole #6

"St Cloud"

This hole was inspired by our amazing trip to St. Cloud. This was a time filled with every emotion out there. We were scared, we were happy, we were sad, we laughed, we cried, we prayed, we played...and it was all so great because we did it together. We were filled with so much love for each other! It was such an intimate weekend and I think the perfect way to say "goodbye".

Hole #5

"Faith in God"

This hole was inspired by our faith in God. Since day one we have chosen to put God in the center of our relationship and we owe everything to Him. We have made some pretty special sacrifices for Him and for each other that we could not make without His help. Being able to share God's love with one another is the most amazing thing in the world! Praying wtih you every night before we go to bed, going to church with you, and just talking about God is amazing. Since we have met I have become so close to God..and I cannot tahnk you enough for that.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's hole...called "St. Cloud"!

Thoughts on a sunday evening

If we hadn't had the miscarriage, I would be entering my third trimester this week. We would have spent much of our anniversary celebration talking about our baby that would be here in just a couple months-- how excited we are to see what our baby looks like and learn of its gender, how scared we are that we will totally mess it up, how magical it will be to be on this new adventure together. On our anniversary on Thursday we instead may talk about how we wonder with pain and hope when we will become pregnant again, how scared we will be of another miscarrage, and what God's plan in all of this really is. There is NO ONE that I'd rather go through this with than Josh. He is so amazing and I feel abundantly blessed to live life alongside him. On another blog I found the following paragraph, which I think is eloquently and honestly written:

After a miscarriage, you grieve for a person you never knew, and for a relationship that ended before it really began. You grieve not for a person who has lived and died but for an unlived life. You grieve for the loss of your future as the parent of the baby who has died. You are sad not just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.

Hole #4

"The First I Love You"

This hole was inspired by the first time I said, "I love you". How could I ever forget? I was supposed to be heading back to school but I just had to "wish your dad a happy birthday" before I left. I walked downstairs only to see my little princess was still sleeping...you were beautiful as ever. I sat down beside you and chatted for a bit, then I said what was in my heart..."I LOVE YOU". It felt so great and when I left I felt so amazing because you said I love you back to me... I don't know how I made it back to Winona that day, I was pretty high on life!

The winner of this hole received a hug.

Hole #3

"The First Kiss"

This hole was inspired by our first kiss. Oh how I remember it well... I smiled the whole way home and while I slept and the whole next day! Ok, yeah so it took me long enough... I was a wuss, what else can I say. We were chatting outside your house by my car after a great night of sitting on your comfy couch, watching the tube and talking. You said something about me not kissing you and.... BAM! I kissed you mid-sentence... I'll never forget that, totally priceless! From that night on I'd never kiss another woman again.

Awww! So sweet! Although... it makes me think... he said from that night on... what, did he kiss another woman that morning???

The winner of that hole got a kiss on the cheek.

Hole #2

This hole is titled "I Gotta See About A Girl"

This hole was inspired by the time I had "to see about a girl". I had finally got enough courage to ask you to hang out and I got your phone number. I remember that so well... I was so nervous that I was shaking in my backward black Titlest hat. Finally we made plans to golf together... but I had already made plans with Brooks and the guys, so I called them and told them that I had "to see about a girl". From there it has all been a dream!

The winner of hole #2 got a pound dog.

Hole #1

This could become a fairly long post... don't tell me I didn't warn you!

In 9 days, Josh and I will celebrate our FOURTH wedding anniversary. Where has the time gone?! In honor of us, I want to share a bit about our history and Josh's proposal.

Josh and I met in May 2001 at Willingers. He had a girlfriend and I was 100%, completely, fully, anti-long distance relationships (our colleges were 2.5 hours apart). With all my heart I believe it was God that brought us together-- we became an official couple on Sept 2, 2001. I was 19 years old and Josh was 20. Although we only saw each other on the weekends, our relationship progressed quickly. In just 1 month and 10 days, Josh dropped the "L" word. Within 3 months we talked about getting married (and I was still only 19!). On our 1 year anniversary, I moved to France for 4 months. I returned home around 11PM on December 21st (my golden birthday) and Josh proposed to me the next day.

That day, December 22nd, 2002, Josh told me that he had something special for me at his parents house (they conveniently were gone). I figured it was for my birthday. When we got there he explained that he had designed a golf course in his house and we were going to play it. I thought that was odd... but I went with it.

He even wrote a "Yardage Book" for the course, which he called "Josh's Dream Course". On the first page, he wrote:
Course Architect: Joshua J. Docken
Inspired By: Whitney E. Thydean

The course was 9 holes long, and for each hole he had written what it was inspired by. For the next 9 days, I am going to post 1 hole per day. It is fun to look back and remember this sweet and precious time in our lives!

Here we go..

The first page is actually called, "The History" and it reads...

Josh's dream course was created by Joshua Jeffrey Docken and inspired by Whitney Elizabeth Thydean. The project was started in June 2001 and will be played for the first time December 22, 2002. Soon after it will be open to the public. A special thanks to the man upstairs... none of this would be possible without God's awesome love. Thanks to all my family, Whit's family, and our friends for all their continued love and support. Most importantly I'd like to thank Whitney for always loving me and making all my dreams come true.

Awwww.... :)

Now, here is Hole#1.

Hole 1: "Cold Snickers and Dr. Pepper"
This hole was inspired by the countless times I came to ask you for a cold snickers and Dr. Pepper. I just loved seeing your smile and chatting with you... it didn't take long for me to give you your fist nickname "Smiles". Boy, I'm glad refills were only 25 cents or I'd be broke for sure. These times inspired me to write my first poem about you which later led to the letter I wrote you... the one that started it all!

So after he read this to me, we played the hole. The winner would get a prize, which varied for each hole. The winner of hole #1 got a smile.

So... you might (or are probably not) be interested in this letter he mentioned. Turns out, I still have it! I thought I would share that too because it really was an integral part of us becoming a couple!

Here is the letter. It was written just days before we started dating.

Whitney,
I just wanted to thank you for everything this last week. I'm really glad I had the chance to meet you and hang out with you, but I wish we could have met a lot sooner. I also wish I had more time to tell you how I felt (in case you didn't notice I'm pretty slow with that) because I'd feel like I was lying if I didn't. You really are awesome... you have one of the greatest personalities and cutest smiles I've ever seen and I'm not sure if I'm more intrigued with the places you've traveled, or what you did while you were there...it really shows your strong faith, your respect for life and others, as well as your huge heart!

I guess I just wanted to tell you what I haven't the last few nights because I feel like I owe you at least that...and since I probably won't be able to talk to you before I leave, I'll have to write it. I think you are one of the most amazing women I have ever met and I'm blessed to have had the chance to get to know you a little because I like you! I'll hopefully talk to you soon, but I'm late for work... I hope you have a great day! Keep smiling!
Thanks,
Josh Docken
jdocken4470@vax2.winona.msus.edu
(507) 453-1613

Stay tuned tomorrow for Hole #2!! :)

Over-reaction (wo)man

Do you remember those commercials (I can't remember what they were advertising) where someone responded irrationally to something and they said, "OVER-REACTION MAN!!". I felt like that today.

There is a new guy on our team (new to our team, not to Target) and he's struggling a bit. Since February I have been filling in for someone that was let go, and this guy is the replacement, so I've been transitioning the project to him over the past couple weeks. Well I heard about something he did last Thursday when I was out of the office that was NOT COOL at all so in the spirit of Target-style feedback, I approached him this afternoon to provide the feedback. Here is how our conversation went:

Me: Hi ___! How was your weekend?? (I'm warming up)
Him: It was GREAT!
Me: Awesome! What happened?
Him: We bought a house! (they just moved here from Kansas)
Me: Great!
Him: And we sold our house in Kansas!
Me: Wow- that's awesome!
Him: AND we found out we're having another baby! It was a shocker!

And there it was. I literally felt like I was punched in the stomach.

Me: Oh wow, congratulations! So.. she must be due in February?
Him: No, March!
Me: (Thinking very hard on how in hell it could be biologically possible to have found out that you're having a baby in March).
Me: (continuing to think) well, congratulations, I'll see you tomorrow. (walk away. feedback will be provided tomorrow instead).

SERIOUSLY?! He has a 2 year old and a 4 year old and was shocked to find out just this weekend that they're having another. Um-- can we just have one, please?! (actually, I would love twins but would definitely take one for now).

So, yeah, that's my overreaction. I told Josh the story and he couldn't understand why it hit me so hard. I guess it's because I'm just going on with my day, minding my own business, and BAM! I am told that someone is having a surprise baby. It stings.

(You may be wondering why I am posting this on the internet. 1) not many people have access to this site, and 2) I started journeling with an actual pen and paper prior to my miscarriage and since then haven't been able to return to that journal. Until I am pregnant again, this blog has become my journal and it is theurapeutic for me to reflect and get my thoughts down).

Visiting the land of cheese, fireworks, and sausage.

Long live the road trip! Thanks to the 45+mpg Pri-pri (aka Prius), Bethanie, Barry, Josh and I trekked to Wisconsin this weekend. Barry wanted to fly us there (showoff) but alas, we did not listen. Even when we hit Lacrosse, Barry was still trying to convince us to turn around and return to the airport in Lakeville. Fortunately, it didn't take us too much longer than normal. Thanks Sue and our little GPS for helping us find good back roads! It felt sooo good to sleep after we arrived at Heather and Seans!

Saturday morning Bethanie ditched the girls, and went with the guys to see this dude that custom paints motorcycles (I threatened Josh with what I would do to him if he got ANY ideas at this place). Heather and I had fun visiting some cute shops in downtown Fort Atkinson. One super cute shop had a totally flooded basement :-(. After that, it was time to head to Milwaukee!

Tailgaiting at Miller Park in Milwaukee is SOO fun. DARN THOSE MINNESOTA DECISION MAKERS for not creating the same tailgating opportunity at the new Twins stadium!!! We had tons of yummy, unhealthy food, enjoyed several adult beverages, played washers and the bean bag game, and all around had a great time. It was fun to catch up with Ami and Scott too!!

For the actual game... it was one of the best I've seen! (Except for that game 6 of the 1991 world series that my dad and I went to... still haven't forgotten that we LEFT the game before Kirby's infamous home run). Sean and his friends are Brewers fans so Josh and I enjoyed talking SMACK with them all game. It went into extra innings and the Twins finally pulled it on in the 12th.

All in all, a very fun weekend! We hope to make it an annual tradition. Hopefully next time Wisconsin isn't totally flooded. On the way home it was incredible to see lakes where fields used to be just days ago! Keep everyone in Iowa and Wisconsin in your prayers!

Grandpa's visit

Grandpa was here for 10 days in May. It was soooo wonderful to spend time with him. Amongst other fun activities, we went golfing and had a great dinner at a hibachi restaurant. Love him!!!


At the Japanese restaurant. Sake!!
Sake for Whitney!! (we all took turns. Josh, Chris, and Mom did it twice!)

A tribute to Homestar Runner...

I (yes, I'm actually writing my first post) went out tonight in search of a helmet so I could take my 'new' bike out for a spin. I had no idea I would stumble upon this gem at the Harley store...love at first sight! The helmet reminded me of Homestar Runner (a cartoon I fell in love with in college). I was so inspired that I just had to pick it up.

The only good thing...

....about gaining 6 pounds since February is that I will have no problem giving blood!! I used to be too thin to give blood... those days are over!

Thankyouverymuch, fertility drugs.

"It's not about you"

I don't like bumper stickers. In fact, I think they're pretty tacky. But... if I were to have a bumper sticker, it would say this:

It's not about you!

All too often we get caught up in the mentality of me, me, me, me, me. But the truth is, it's not about me! It never was and never will be.

"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness".

"Jesus said, 'Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command'". John 15:13-14.

Good Stuff!

I feel very blessed and lucky right now! Some good things are happening for me at work (I'll write more about that next week). Yesterday I booked a trip for Josh and I to Savannah!! Just a couple weeks ago Josh was asked to be the best man in his friend Kris' wedding in Savannah on July 17th (a Thursday). When we looked up tickets they were $450. Way too much money for both of us to go because this was a) kind of last minute, and b) not in the budget. I looked again at tickets yesterday and they were down to $266! So we're both going! We'll be there Wed-Saturday. We've always wanted to go to Savannah so we're really excited. A bummer is that I will miss class on Wed and Thur. It's really hard to miss class anytime, but especially when it's a 7 week class. Our 4th wedding anniversary is on a Thursday (July 3) and I was planning on missing class that night but now that I'll miss class a couple weeks later I'll have to go on July 3rd (major bummer). But we're just excited about this little vacation!

Josh is out of town at Whitey's bachelor party all weekend. I can't remember the last time that I was alone for a weekend. Last night I went to happy hour with a couple friends and then just chilled on the couch and went to bed at 9:30. Sydney woke up at 4AM with diarrhea (sp??) so that was exciting. It's a beautiful day today! I'm going to work out, get my oil changed, meet a friend for lunch, maybe go shopping, and have girls night with my mom tonight! (it's a surprise so I can't spill what we're doing). Should be a fun day.

Have a fantastic day!

Sydney Bristow Docken

Not only is she the little love of my life... but she's now my secret weapon for grad school! She studies for me!

SYDNEY! FOCUS!!!!

Kris and Amy Klitzke!!

The girls at the rehearsal dinner at Buca di Beppo.
Getting ready the morning of the wedding at the hotel.
First dance!
Having fun.
Amy and Kris got married on May 17th. Amy and I met the first day of freshman year of college. We lived on the same dorm floor for 2 years and were roommates Senior year. I was honored to be a bridesmaid and so happy to share the special day with Sarah and Pam too! Amy and Kris started dating just 2 months after Josh and I. They are an awesome couple!

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Happy Birthday, Mom! You are so beautiful!
I am so incredibly lucky to be your daughter! I love you!

"My mom is a never ending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune."
-Graycie Harmon

Esperanza!!

I can't believe it's been 2 months and I am just now posting about our trip to the Dominican Republic!!

We went to DR with HOPE International in March. Our dear friends Quenton and Bethany Marty led the trip. There were 5 couples in total and everyone was awesome!! We loved getting to know all of them.

HOPE International "is a global, faith-based, non-profit organization focused on poverty alleviation through microenterprise development. HOPE serves people living in Afghanistan, China, the Dominican Republic, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Haiti, India, Moldova, Philippines, Romania, Russia, Rwanda, South Asia, and Ukraine. HOPE’s vision is to enable sustainable economic development that results in significant and lasting change, temporal and
eternal, in the lives of many people living in poverty."

Most of you know I've been to Ukraine a few times. In Ukraine I was visiting the Marty family (at least part of them - Paul, Cindy, Josh, Justin, and Jessica) who were serving the Lord through HOPE. Cindy founded the Tomorrow Clubs. This is similar to Awana, if anyone was a part of that as a child. When I was in Ukraine I spent most of the time with the Tomorrow Clubs so I was very excited to learn more about the micro-lending part of HOPE in the DR.

Imagine a life without a job, without a car loan, without a school loan, without a home loan, without a way to save money. Where is the hope? This is the life for so many people around the world. There are many charities that try to help by providing resources to these poor people- water, food, clothing, school supplies... While this may give them a temporary "band-aid" it doesn't fix the problem. After they consume the resources given to them, they are right back where they started - without a job, without capital, without hope. Micro-lending stops the cycle!! The poorest of the poor are given business training, skill training, a loan, support, encouragement, and are able to start or supplement a business! Now armed with a job and income, they are able to send their children to school and leave the cycle of poverty! It is arguably the most effective way to bring people out of poverty.

The bank loans are repaid within 6 months. Every two weeks the community comes together and repays a portion of their loan. They are also required to save a portion of their loan. Many people save above and beyond what is required because they realize the power of savings. There are 5-6 people that make up a "bank". Since these people have no collateral this is the way that HOPE ensures repayment on the loans. If one person cannot make a payment, the other people in that bank are required to pay the shortage. They carefully choose who they want to be in their bank since they are liable for each other's loans. The average repayment rate for HOPE is over 97% so this is very effective!

One of HOPE's clients started a school in her home for children that were too poor to attend the regular school. She started with just a few kids and now has a couple hundred! She has two sesssions- morning and afternoon. There is not much room but the kids are soo happy and grateful to be in school!
Here is our group with this amazing woman. Before the school day starts, she gets up at 4AM to sew clothing out of the textiles that she buys with her loan from HOPE. This is how she supports herself. And we thought we had a long day!
This client opened a grocery store in his little two bedroom "house". It's not a house by our standards- there is no water, no electricity, no plumbing.... But he is making enough money with his store to feed his kids and hopes to soon be able to send them to school. His store is open from 7AM to 11PM.
This is absolute poverty. I have learned about absolute versus relative poverty. Most of the poverty in the United States is relative poverty. The people who are under the U.S. poverty line and are eligible for assistance often have a TV or a car. These people have nothing. Look at the below "houses". Poverty has a brand new meaning for me. Did you know that 4 billion people in the world live on less than $4 a day?




Most of the clients are women. Below is an adorable man that we met. He has been very successful since he started working with HOPE! Most loans are around $200-$500 (but can vary widely- in Rwanda it might be $50 and in Russia it might be $5000). This man's business is buying and selling spices. He is like a wholesaler. Most of these communities are very rural and the people have no way to get into the city. So many of these clients go to the city and buy food, toiletries, etc, and re-sell them in their community.
If you would like to learn more about HOPE and micro-lending, Josh and I would love to talk with you! You can also visit the HOPE website at www.hopeinternational.org. We are holding a garage sale for HOPE in June. All of the proceeds will go directly to people just like the ones in these pictures. If you want to help HOPE and make a difference, we will gladly take any donations for our garage sale! Let us know!